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I can't breathe

Posted Aug 01 2010 12:00am
Today I am so severely depressed that I wish I were dead. Why, you ask? Well, that’s the kicker. I’m depressed not for any real situational reason, but because my brain decided not to produce an important chemical I need to feel happy. If it were situation, I feel as though it would be easier to understand (those with situational depression, please don’t take offence), because at least then I could say, look at this terrible event that happened to me, my life sucks, no wonder I want to die. But instead, I open my eyes this morning to such an overwhelming sense of sadness that my entire body aches.

Before you get concerned that I’m going to end my life, let me reassure you that I will never commit suicide. I have two beautiful young daughters that need a mother and I would never take that away from them. It’s because of those two little girls that I get out of bed and try to lead a normal life despite the crushing weight I feel with every breath.

The first clue something was amiss was this morning when I felt as though I physically couldn’t wake up. The husband got up and fed the kids while I slept in that deep, feeling-less sleep that I love so much. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep all day and at 9:30 a.m. I got my wake up call – my husband shaking me awake. Fun.

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew my day was screwed. The weight of depression was crushing down on me and my only option was to get out of bed and act like I was okay for my kids. After having my breakfast, I showered in the hopes that it would make me feel better. It didn’t. Then I decided to escape to the grocery store. Have you ever seen a woman pushing a cart around a grocery store fighting the tears in her eyes? That’s me. Trying not to cry while I shop.

I even tried to exercise the depression away with a two-hour mountain bike ride. But when it was over, the depression was still there and I was still struggling.

After a completely wasted day, I’m going to bed. I can only pray that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling “normal”.

And here come the tears again. I don’t want to live this way. But what choice do I have?
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