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I’m Back for Real This Time!! All It Took was a Stay in the Psych Ward

Posted Aug 05 2011 5:05pm

For the first time in months, my mind is stable and I’m sober. The last six months have not been easy, but I’m glad that I survived my hellish experience. About a month ago, I was put into a psych ward due to  a horrible mixed episode- I was both manic and depressed, I had no control over my mind and I was a danger to myself and those around me. I was scared shitless when the nurses told me I was being transferred to an in-patient psychiatric unit (at that time I was attending a partial hospitalization program [php], an all day program that included various group activities like group therapy, psychodrama etc.

I had been in the program about a week and I thought it was helping, but I guess I was wrong). I was a fucking mess, my mind would not stop racing (the work Fuck kept cycling in my head), I kept clenching my jaws, I couldn’t sit still and I thought someone was out to get me. It was a horrible experience, that kept evolving. By the time I was transferred to in-patient, my mood state had gone out of control. Not only was I manic, I swung deep into depression. I no longer cared about my life and I was desperate for a change. The nurses noticed that I was erratic and contacted my Psychiatrist. He decided that I needed to be transferred to the psych ward (I didn’t have a choice. Although I signed papers claiming it was my idea, I was essentially transferred to in-patient without my consent)….

Begin put into a psych ward was the best thing that could have happened to me. Although I was scared (this was my first hospitalization) I learned a lot about myself. I worked closely with my doctor and eventually we found the right combination of meds. After a week, I was discharged and I thought everything was going well. I was about to hit another low.

When I got home, I realized the doctor had prescribed me Ativan (an anti-anxiety medication). Although I had been sober for a week, I really wanted to get high. So I crushed up and snorted six Ativans (I am lucky I didn’t kill myself). The next few hours I was a complete mess, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t think, I pretty much fell over and black out. The next morning I woke up feeling like shit. Instead of hydrating myself, I found the bottle of Ativan and snorted two more. At that point I realized how much I fucked up, I couldn’t even function (I ended flushing the rest of the pills down the toilet, however, the damage was done). I called up a guy I knew from Narcotics Anonymous and begged him to help me. We talked for an hour and then he invited me to a meeting that night.

I don’t remember anything, I was so fucked up, that I had no clue what I was doing. I don’t remember my conversation, I don’t remember going to the NA meeting, fuck I don’t remember Sunday at all. All I know was that I was scared and ashamed of myself. I had spent a week in the psych ward, but it didn’t seem to help. This was the lowest low I had experienced. But I learned from my mistake.

I have been sober for almost 11 days. I now attended NA every night, and the PHP every morning and  afternoon. For the first time in seven years I want to stay sober and have a stable mind. It’s only been two weeks, but I am finally starting to feel better. Just the fact that I am writing again is indication that I am making progress (I have been unable to write the last few months due to my depression and drug use). For the first time in awhile I am comfortable in my own skin and happy to be David. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am so happy that my life is finally turning around.

As my title states, I’m back for real this time! I’m excited to blog and I have missed the mental health community!

I hope you are all doing well and look forward to connecting with all of you. That is all for now.

Stay Strong!!

Dave.


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