Is there hope in a new beginning? Only time will tell.
Wow, I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last blogged. My life has changed so much since then, and unfortunately it hasn’t really gone well, I’m thinking about going back to the out-patient program at the psych ward in my area because I’ve become really unstable. I stopped taking my meds last week because I was convinced my mental state would be unstable regardless if I was on medication or not (my psydoc forced me to go back on my meds last night).
I dunno, it’s been a fucked time as I’ve been questioning my existence, sometimes wishing I wasn’t born so I wouldn’t be a burden on my parents or those around me. Other times, I’m completely overwhelmed by my memories- I have a photographic memory and can remember pretty much everything that has happened to me, and it comes rushing back to me and before I know it, it’s like I’m literally in my memories. Although I’m thankful to have a photographic memory it’s also a curse, one that has haunted me for the last few months.
On top of the that, my anxiety grown to the point that I’m deathly afraid to get out of my apartment, which has led me to sometimes not eat or binge on junk food/processed food because that is all I have in my room.
And on top of that, my self-hatred is at an all time high, so much so that it gets worse when people compliment me. I don’t know why, but I’m confused as to why people like me (every person I talk to, I end up becoming friends with them, in fact due to my time as a labor organizer I can easily find out about a person’s life, secrets, fears etc. the first time I meet them).
Although, yesterday was a huge day and a possible turning point. I saw my therapist, my psydoc and I went to my DBSA group for the first time in 3 or 4 months, in fact I went to dinner afterwards with the and then hung out at one of my group mate’s house after that. It was the most human contact I’ve had in a long time and you know what, I feel really good. I can’t tell if it’s hypo-mania or just happiness due to my rec-connection with friends, as well as getting to see a girl I have a crush on (another major issue, I’m 27 and i’ve never been in a relationship, it sometimes gets to me as I feel like I’m broken because I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t know how to tell her I like her, I’m scared to ruin my friendship but at the same time I can’ stop thinking about her. Well I wen’t on a tangent, I’m going to stop my post right here).
I hope you are all well and thank you so much to all the people who have commented as well as frequented my blog and to the new readers welcome to my little community, I look forward to talking with you all.