The last couple of weeks – at home – have been some of the worst I have ever experienced. I believe my marriage is over. I do not want it to be. I want to fight for it. Unfortunately, I do not believe my husband wants to. In fact, I think that for at least the last six to nine months, he has been looking for a reason to justify divorcing me. He got his reason last weekend.
My husband got angry with me for something, and I was very flippant in my response to him. My reaction made his anger worse and he asked me to not come home. Being very upset by being told not to come home, I went and talked with my parents about the situation. My father was very worried for me (he wanted to see me and my husband work things out) and called my husband. In his conversation, many things were said. The long and short of it, is my father was trying to explain to my husband that all of this pressure and degrading talk towards me, was not acceptable. My husband reacted badly. Extremely badly. In his anger, he said and did things that are painful to hear and painful to talk about.
In many ways my husband is a good man. He took on a child that was not his, adopted him, and provided all kinds of financial support for him. He loves our daughter very much. He has worked hard throughout our marriage to take care of all of us. He did not leave when I attempted suicide, and stuck it out when I was placed in a psychiatric hospital. However, just like all of us, he has a couple of bad habits. He is a very controlling person, and to be blunt, verbally abusive.
He is not the only one who has done things they should not. I have as well. I have said many things I should not have, and done many things I should not have. When I was severely depressed, I checked out of the family. I did not do much of anything around the house. I was not a good wife or mother. My lack of motivation did create more work for my husband. I also put up with the verbal abuse and controlling behavior for most of our marriage, making it easier for him to behave badly and for it to become a habit for him.
I could rehash every single not nice thing he has ever said to me, but I am not going to. I think sometimes when we rehash stuff over and over, we keep those emotions raw and it prevents us from moving forward. There are a few phrases that he has recently said that I think sum up his frame of mind perfectly.
Don’t come home.
I only say the mean things I do, to motivate you.
I know I am harsh on you but I do it because I worry about you.
Despite all of that, I do love him. I would be more than willing to stay with him, if he was ready and willing to start and stick with some individual and couples counseling. Unfortunately, at this time, he has no desire to do so. Which means, I have to make decisions that will preserve all the progress I have made toward being mentally healthy.
The hardest, most difficult thing about all of this is the effect it is having on my beautiful daughter. She is very much a daddy’s girl, however, she has acknowledged – on her own – that her daddy is “verbally abusive” to me, but “at least he does not hurt” me. She does not want to be separated from her daddy, so with my heart breaking, I have decided that at this time, it is in her best interest to stay with him. Right now I am at my parent’s house – she is with me – if at the end of the week she still wants to go home, I will let her. I can see nothing good coming out of forcing her to stay here, stressing her out, and having her cry all the time.
He has been saying things that he should not have to her about me. I cannot stop that, but I will not participate in parent bashing. My hope is that she will see that even though he is saying awful things to her about me, that I have not done the same. I have been truthful with her, shared my concerns about her emotional and mental well being, told her how much I love her, and brought her here with me so she has some time away from that stress. I have also prayed, and prayed that one day her eyes will be opened to the whole truth.
To hear your daughter sob uncontrollably, and know that you – her mother – and her father are responsible for it, is the worst feeling in the world. I want to take all of her pain away, fix things, and for us to be a happy family. I hate knowing how this whole thing is tearing her apart inside. It makes my heart ache at the thought of me and her living apart from each other. Despite all of that, I know that I also have to choose being mentally and emotionally healthy. It not only makes me a better person, but it also makes me a better parent.