As I walk to my car from class, heading
home to an empty apartment, I see all these students hanging out; sitting on
the grass, laughing. I look back on my college career-how much I learned, and
how many things I missed out on. The things that I missed out on due to the
apathy I have felt for so long. Missed parties, friends, life-changing
experiences. Instead of enjoying my freshman year, I was living with a person
dealing with the beginning stages of schizophrenia. From that point on,
everything seemed...pointless. I was in love with someone that, under no
control of his, was lying about everything and led me on to the point of my
almost dropping out of school and moving away with him. That year, I've
realized, has impacted every aspect of my life since then. For the next year, I
secluded myself from everything and everyone. I lived in a dorm with no
roommate and spent all of my free time there. During this time, my depression
grew, and I moved further within myself. Shortly after school was over, I moved
to the state I was born in, hoping this would make my life better. I learned
pretty quickly that I couldn't move away from my problems. I started to pretend
that I was like everyone else- a normal, happy college student. And what did
that get me? Hatred of myself, basically. I no longer know who I am. I can't
hide the sadness anymore. I spend all of my time now thinking about being down,
which just makes me feel worse. I find stories online, and quotes, that
describe how I feel, like http://www.lifequoteslove.com/ . Why do I torture myself, trying to make myself
feel worse? I never put myself out there to meet friends. Instead I am sitting
home, secluding myself from everyone, being hard on myself. How do I get out of
this funk? How do I be happy again?
I am starting to realize is that pretending that I am happy and pushing all my
feelings down is making me worse. I have given up doing anything for myself.
Now, I find myself on the other side of the country from anyone that I know
with a guy that I convinced myself was too good for me so I should be
everything he wants. I have sacrificed so much of myself for him, and for what?
He yells at me almost every day, telling me that I am not good enough.