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Feeling sad about my mom....

Posted Jun 13 2010 12:00am

So it looks like she'll be moving to the nursing home permanently, unless something changes in the next couple of weeks. She has been in the rehab unit of this nursing home several times (it's the one that's attached to her assisted living facility), so we are familiar with the NH and the workers and the residents. And I take my mom to the church services there every Sunday. But some of her stays in the rehab unit were during times when she was hallucinating and disruptive, and she was so angry about being there....then sad.....it's been a miracle that she keeps recovering enough to go back to her apartment.

But realistically, I can see that of her neighbors in the assisted living facility, my mom is one of the lower functioning folks. Even before this happened with the recent confusion. It's not realistic to imagine my mom coming to our house, as we'd have to remodel to be able to bathe her, etc...I just can't imagine how we could make it work and not do more harm than good.

So intellectually, I know that the nursing home is the "rightest" thing that we are able to do....but I am feeling not just guilt, but grief. Big grief. Grief that I can't help her more. Grief that things are getting worse. Grief that her world is getting smaller again....and that I may not have done enough for her, or done it right. I feel with this transition that is probably imminent, a person has died. It's the "mom that lived in the assisted living apartment", of course, if she goes to a nursing home, then that mom (the one that lives in the assisted living apartment) is gone forever. And I'm having such a trouble with that, in some weird way, I feel like by agreeing that she needs to move to an NH, I'm somehow killing that "mom that lives in the ALF". Does that make sense? I've never put it into words before. I'm so sad that this is happening, and I feel so helpless, like no matter what I do, it won't be right...

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