Health knowledge made personal
Hi me,
I strongly suspect that you were brought up to be a "good, nice girl" and that included keeping your feelings inside and not speaking your truth for fear of hurting people or not being a good/nice person. So you push your true feelings under the rug until you explode, then you immdiately feel bad and go back into the withholding pattern. This is the passive-aggressive cycle which pretty much everyone does until we learn assertiveness skills.
The continnum is: Passive/Assertive/Aggressive. In the passive mode we hurt ourselves by keeping our feelings inside. In the aggressive mode we hurt other people by letting the feelings out in an explosion. We go back and forth from one extreme to the other until assertiveness skills are learned. In the assertive mode we can say (ideally before we get angry) "I feel hurt/upset/not valued, etc. when you ignore me, don't take out the garbage," etc. In the Pinch Model of communication it's called the A,B,C sentence--Affect (Feelings), Behavior (describe the behavior without calling names), Consequence (results-usually alienation, less closeness).
Here's a new frame of reference for you to try on for size: "I can speak my truth with love and skill before I get angry so that my needs are met while maintaining my loving relationships."
I would love to know how this works for you and would be happy to answer other questions. I do have a website: http://www.sharingselfgrowth.com .
Blessings, Sharon
The "every month" in your post jumped out at me. If you were my client, before I went too deeply into psychological explanations I'd want to rule out organic ones. So I'd be asking if you've seen a doctor about these symptoms, and if not I'd probably encourage you to go. If you decide you need or want counseling to deal with relationship issues, ask your doctor to refer you. Sounds to me like, even if there is a medical problem here, you could use someone safe to talk to.
Good luck,
~ Steve
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Every month my heart pounds, i catch myself hold my breath, ill get headaches and i want to scream and destroy my husband or even myself. but before i get to that point i let people know that enough is enough and no one ever listens to me and they keep pushing and pushing till i literally lose it!!!! when i blow up ill cry, apologize for myself, pull my hair out......and the list goes on what should i do ive tried everything and the only thing that works is xanax or marijuania who should i talk to and how much does it cost??