Warning: This is emotional spewing. It is not pretty and it is not nice. However it is honest and an accurate representation of how I am feeling at this moment.
It is also part of the home work that my counselor gave me to see if we can get my downward spiral turned around without a medication increase. In addition, I am using it to fulfill a writing assignment from Writing Workshop where I am to write about something “with all of the richest, imaginative sensory description I can muster”.
Once again I have been reminded that stuffing my emotions away, like a turkey being stuffed at Thanksgiving, is not healthy. This time stuffing things away created an open invitation for depression to walk right in and make itself at home in my favorite easy chair. Once the depression had gotten itself comfortable and had taken a leading role in my life, its favorite pass time became rubbing salt into my almost healed emotional wounds.
I am as mad as a hornet and sort of sad. I thought stuffing my emotions away and pretending that everything was okay would be enough to keep my eye on the prize. Instead it has been like being on the downhill slope of a roller coaster ride. Managing my emotions has turned out to be the hardest part of my depression recovery. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to herd cats.
The extreme anger I currently have, feels like I am being eaten alive by a colony of fire ants, probably because I have kept stuffing it away. What makes it worse is that the person I am so angry with is my own son. This is one of those times when you say you love your child but absolutely hate their behavior. Over the last two years, he has been so disrespectful to his family, that sometimes it is as if I have no idea who he is. It is almost like his brain was invaded by an alien, who instead of wanting to take over the world, has instead decided that his main mission is to destroy relationships.
Most of the time, the only reason he has contact with his family anymore is when he wants something. He thinks he is being as sly as a fox when he beats around the bush and tries to ask us for something, and the sad thing is he believes he has pulled the wool over our eyes and do not recognize what he is doing. When people have tried to keep him up-to-date when I have been sick and in the hospital, he has on more than one occasion acted as if or said that he did not care.
I am so angry pissed off about how he lies constantly to his family and his wife. Around Christmas, he and his wife decided to change their wedding date from late spring/early summer to right then and there. He told his wife and her family that his family had no desire to meet any of them, so his wife and her family agreed to the marriage right then, instead of waiting until the time we all had planned to go to the wedding date they told us about. Why in the world he would say that? I am not sure but I have a few guesses. There are many things he has said and done that I believe he does not want his wife and in-laws to know about, and I believe he lives in fear that if we were all to get together, we would spill the beans.
He does not speak to people respectfully, including his own wife. I recently found out about a weekend trip they took, during which he spoke to her as if she were garbage, because he was not getting his own way. In one incident around Christmas, when I was in the hospital, he got mad at me because I told my mother about their marriage plans, which he had posted on Facebook. What he texted me was pure bile. It was an obscenity laced message, telling me off about saying anything about their marriage plans, despite the fact that his posting it on Facebook made it public knowledge. In that message he also said that his family did not want him to be happy, because we were not super excited about his marriage, only because we were excluded from it. He thinks the answer to that is to have another wedding so that everyone can come, I will be there for it, but you cannot un-ring a bell that has already been rung.
I am so beyond hurt by the fact that he keeps changing his adopted name to his biological father’s name on any given day. The biological father that left before he was born, and gave me NO money to get ready for the birth until his commanding officer was contacted. The same biological father never once paid for a plane ticket to see him, other people did. Or sent money when my son needed surgery on his ears to preserve his hearing. The man who told him I left the marriage because I could not handle the military life, and my son believes it. It does not matter that I did not divorce him until he was released from the military BEFORE his contract was up, or that up until the time he left California, I told him he was more than welcome to come stay with me and his son.
I am heart broken that my grandmother writes my son every day, and as far as I know he has only responded once, and that was because I mentioned it to his wife. Of all the people in the family, his disrespect of her, his great grandmother, is probably the worst. She is his defender, and will not let anyone say one negative thing about him, even when it is true, and he refuses to acknowledge that every day she sits down and hand writes him a letter.
As much as I want to be happy about becoming a grandmother, I cannot find that happy place about it in me. He and his wife chose to try and have a baby, even though their marriage is in serious trouble already. Their own personal lives are a mess, she is just now entering treatment for depression and my son among other things lies like a rug, and also treats her and others badly. They pay money for tattoos, rather than save that money for a new vehicle, the one they have now is unreliable. I get the impression that they think that a baby will make their marriage so much better.
I suppose I could continue with the spewing but I think I am all spewed out for now, although there are still a multitude of things I could say. Life has a tendency to come back and bite us in the butt when we continue to make poor decisions, it is unfortunate that his choices are going to affect more than just him.