I've been falling behind in my blogging...ummm...not posting as much as I want to. I feel like my life has been consumed (no pun intended) with my eating disorder. Working on this issue in therapy has made me quite tired. But, anyway...update on my first appointment with my dietician...
I was for the days after I made my appointment extremely nervous and scared. Part of this is due to the fact that I have never let anyone in on how badly my thoughts, emotions and behavior are affected by it. I guess, I've been for the first time allowing myself to really look at and realize how much of a problem it has been for close to thirty years.
Although I received an email from my mother the day Mary (dietician) and I were to meet, I was able to refocus with much effort. The email really pissed me off. My husband also met with us...quite unnerving as he didn't know how bad my eating disorder has been for me.
It was extremely helpful that I already knew Mary, her style and that she was quite good. I felt really happy to see her again and in the things that she said, I am really glad that I quit my job. She was quite sensitive and attuned to my feelings and what my abilities are at this time. She also kept asking, "what road do you want to take." I kept bring up that not eating has been the way that I know I can lose weight. I realized that this is the only way that I have.
In talking about how much I eat, Mary noticed how focused I was on amounts and serving sizes. So, she didn't talk about it, let me talk about it and gave my handout with that information to my husband. In reality, I was eating one to two meals per day. Not too bad.
At certain points, I felt like a deer caught in headlights especially when she asked if I could eat "this amount," and when she gave me the handout on how much I should be eating. We discussed my weight and how it effects my energy and what I am able to do.
Bottom line is that my first goal is to "work on 9 small meals per day which check marks on a calendar." Yesterday, with much effort I had four...much tougher that I thought it would be. The second goal is to "cook, at least, once a week with my husband purchasing the food." I realized that I don't even want to touch the food let alone, cook and eat.
Cooking will be in steps due to my stamina and Mary not wanting me to skip dinner due to sleeping because I am tired from cooking. So, I am starting with fish packets. My husband will purchase the ingredients, one day I will cut up the veggies or my husband will purchase pre-cut ones. The next day, I will assemble and cook them using store purchased sauce.
I am quite scared about this whole process. Mary just wants me to focus on getting used to eating a healthy amount and cooking versus picking up food. I have the knowledge, but my emotions tell me differently. I know that by eating more that I will lose weight; however, I also don't trust that this will happen. I am learning that I don't want to let go of something that has been my "friend" and way to control my emotions for so long. But, I'm willing to give it a go. I am so scared.