I was recently on a cruise in the Caribbean which marked the first "real" vacation I have taken in over 6 years. Like my previous post explained, I was very nervous and hesitant about going. I even sunk so low as to think of excuses to cancel and stay at home. Luckily this was not the case and I had a fantastic time. My nut allergy was of little concern as I was catered to in this area like never before. I would receive dinner menus a day prior to the meal in order for the head chef to make sure everything was fine. I felt this was a huge step for me as this was my primary concern, among others. After about a day on the ship I was comfortable eating just about anything in the buffet lines that I figured to be safe and I barely thought anything of it.
There were a few excursions I took when docked at a couple islands. I went snorkeling (asthma was a concern but I didn't have a problem) and I also took a "Natural Wonders" tour which consisted of taking a small bus from the boat to some kind of mini-zoo which had a lot of cool animals. I can't tell you how much I needed this vacation and maybe I'll throw some pictures up in a day or two.
Now to reference the title of this post...
Going from a miserable environment to a cruise was unreal. The experience was great and I had a lot of fun. Keeping that in mind, going from that back to the norm feels like I've returned to hell. Ambition is out the window, stress is peaked and life is generally crap (again).
It's tough to wake up in the morning and find the ambition to endure another day where I know I will be depressed and anxious all day but I really don't have another choice. With everything I am going through I can't muster the necessasry energy and enthusiasm to improve my life and conditions. The cruise let me escape this feeling to a degree but the real world is a slap in the face.
The Lamictal isn't helping the mood swings...in fact, they seem to be worse than before. The OCD is the same, concentration is limited and my mind continues to race rapidly, my self esteem is still in the crapper and every day seems like it's the same. I keep asking myself why I don't just give up. I pose this question to myself multiple times a day and I try my hardest to find an excuse not to. It's sad but with every day that goes by, these excuses get more and more diminished.
I know what I need to do in order to get my life back on track but I fear this will make things worse. My initial stay at the short term unit at the hospital had me feeling pretty good upon leaving. Prior to going I felt like I do now, except now it's about 100 times worse. I can't jeopardize the few things I have left to be stuck in a hospital for an unknown amount of time but at the same time I can't keep living this way. I don't know how to handle this.
(@ Olivia - can I get an invite to your blog if possible?)