I'm too scared of death to ever commit suicide but I'm scared of living an empty life day after day. My god - it's never been this bad before. I see no point in ANYTHING - and the fact that I'm just barely "living" each day makes me feel guilty for being alive. So what's the point of my life? What's my purpose?
I go through the motions of living - which are starting to become fewer and fewer... I'm too comfortable with staying within the confines of my house, however, it also feels like my prison. I hardly go outside and my panic/anxiety attacks are being more frequent. I feel like all the hope I had for a normal life is becoming a non-reality. I can't stop the negative thinking because I have nothing to think positive about.
I thought by now I would be a mother, but last year when I had my miscarriage I was four months pregnant and I began to realize that my body was too stressed out and way too depressed to ever be able to carry a child. And even if I was lucky enough to have a baby - what kind of mother would I even be? I feel so horrible for my husband because he would be such a great father... and I doubt I'll ever be able to give him that.
I'm on so many medications that if I wanted to try to become pregnant I would have to go off of them - because I'm not going to risk bringing a baby into the world that could suffer (physically or mentally) due to my use of medication during the pregnancy. I believe that's why I lost my baby last year - because I went off of the meds and my body went through horrible withdrawal. The stress was too much for the little one. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about "what if" the baby had lived...
So if I can't be a mom, can't work due to the severity of my depression (I'm living on disability), can't volunteer because I can't get out of the house, can't offer ANYTHING to the world - then why am I here? What am I good for?
I had goals once upon a time and I accomplished one of the major ones - to finish earning my degree. But what good is it now if I can't do anything with it?
I'm just trying to make sense of this all and I can't come up with any answers. I don't know where to turn for help and I don't know how to keep going on this way. I know people who get to this point think suicide is the only way out - but I just refuse to do it. I've had friends and siblings of friends who have committed suicide and I know how much pain and anger that causes for the family and friends left behind. I would never, ever do that to my husband and family and friends... ever.
I wish there was something I could do at home to occupy my time in a fulfilling way but I can't think of one thing nor do I think I could muster up the enthusiasm to do so.
I guess the only answer I'm left with is to just "wait and see what happens". There are no other choices for me. I'm seeing a therapist and constantly changing meds but it's just not working. I forgot what it feels like to be a part of society and that is scary as hell. I guess only time will tell - or it won't and I'll be the exact same way years from now... I have to believe that won't be the case but for now I don't see anything else in my future. I hope that my life story will have a good ending and I guess that's what I'm sticking around for... I'm a sucker for happy endings.