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Dead Inside

Posted Sep 19 2010 2:11pm
I'm too scared of death to ever commit suicide but I'm scared of living an empty life day after day.  My god - it's never been this bad before.  I see no point in ANYTHING - and the fact that I'm just barely "living" each day makes me feel guilty for being alive.  So what's the point of my life?  What's my purpose?

I go through the motions of living - which are starting to become fewer and fewer... I'm too comfortable with staying within the confines of my house, however,  it also feels like my prison.  I hardly go outside and my panic/anxiety attacks are being more frequent.  I feel like all the hope I had for a normal life is becoming a non-reality.  I can't stop the negative thinking because I have nothing to think positive about.

I thought by now I would be a mother, but last year when I had my miscarriage I was four months pregnant and I began to realize that my body was too stressed out and way too depressed to ever be able to carry a child.  And even if I was lucky enough to have a baby - what kind of mother would I even be?  I feel so horrible for my husband because he would be such a great father... and I doubt I'll ever be able to give him that.

I'm on so many medications that if I wanted to try to become pregnant I would have to go off of them - because I'm not going to risk bringing a baby into the world that could suffer (physically or mentally) due to my use of medication during the pregnancy.  I believe that's why I lost my baby last year - because I went off of the meds and my body went through horrible withdrawal.  The stress was too much for the little one.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about "what if" the baby had lived...

So if I can't be a mom, can't work due to the severity of my depression (I'm living on disability), can't volunteer because I can't get out of the house, can't offer ANYTHING to the world - then why am I here?  What am I good for?

I had goals once upon a time and I accomplished one of the major ones - to finish earning my degree.  But what good is it now if I can't do anything with it?

I'm just trying to make sense of this all and I can't come up with any answers.  I don't know where to turn for help and I don't know how to keep going on this way.  I know people who get to this point think suicide is the only way out - but I just refuse to do it.  I've had friends and siblings of friends who have committed suicide and I know how much pain and anger that causes for the family and friends left behind.  I would never, ever do that to my husband and family and friends... ever.

I wish there was something I could do at home to occupy my time in a fulfilling way but I can't think of one thing nor do I think I could muster up the enthusiasm to do so.

I guess the only answer I'm left with is to just "wait and see what happens".  There are no other choices for me.  I'm seeing a therapist and constantly changing meds but it's just not working.  I forgot what it feels like to be a part of society and that is scary as hell.  I guess only time will tell - or it won't and I'll be the exact same way years from now... I have to believe that won't be the case but for now I don't see anything else in my future.  I hope that my life story will have a good ending and I guess that's what I'm sticking around for... I'm a sucker for happy endings.

~ Hopeful

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