I am going on vacation starting October 10th for about a week or so. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Years ago I would be absolutely stoked to go on a cruise. I've only been to various resorts in the past so this would be the first cruise I have ever been on. As fun as this should be I can't help but be hesitant and worrisome about my issues and how they might appear while on a boat in the middle of the ocean. I have problems going to local events so I can't imagine how I might react to all of this. I attended a wedding about a month or so ago and I was an anxious wreck. My breathing was shallow, I was nervous about the food, and I counted the minutes until we could leave.
I haven't been on a real vacation in years so I'm upset that what should be a blast will turn into a nightmare. I know that if I didn't have this issue with my asthma I'd be a lot more comfortable with the trip, despite my fear of having a reaction to the food on the boat. Thoughts such as "can I even have fun anymore" are swimming around in my head and are left unanswered. What the hell did I do to deserve this hellish existence where even a vacation can't calm me down? My girlfriend and I are going with another couple which makes matters worse because I'm being somewhat forced to put on a mask and do things I don't want to do. I would be perfectly content with simply sun bathing with some drinks and enjoying the festivities on the boat. However, we are going places off the boat which make me mildly unsettled.
I think I am going to have to get a bunch of valium for this trip. I can't spend all this money and have an awful time. Moments before writing this I thought to myself "I'd rather stay home and let them go alone then force myself to do something that I know will be hard". I understand that the best way to deal with issues of anxiety is to face them but I'd rather not face them on a boat hundreds of miles off shore.