since 14 Ive suffered depression and self harm,from 18-23(im now 24)i had anorexia for which I had two inpatient admissions.on xmas eve Ive just come out of a general psych unit after 3 months for 'suicidal ideation'
Ive always had mood swings,but the last year or so its gone crazy(although my fiance will argue thats its longer due to some stuff that I cant remember,such as anfer outbursts,running off up the road etc)anyway...Ive noticed I go in a cycle..ill be happy,everythings great,Ill plan on doing this that and the other etc(some weired stuff has happened in these states which ill explain in a mo)then Ill get anxious,agaitated,my head races soooo bad I feel like smacking it off a brick wall,if you asked me what I was thinking I couldnt tell you even though I could have a second ago when I was thinking it but it comes so fast and then its gone,it feels like its buzzing and going to explode)I pace and dont know what to do with myslef even though I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING.after this stage ill getdepressed to the point I feel suicidaland then back round I go again.I dont know if this has anything to do with anything but Ive noticed that when Im coming out of being depressed to happy I always get shivers down my back??lol.
Today has been really awful,I got up and was sobbing because I thought there was bad things inside me and that there was evil all over the walls so I wouldnttouchthem,Im calmer tonight as I juat keep taking lorazepam but I still wont touch the walls,I feels wary of them.
the weired moments I was on about have inc the following.once I was running(literally)round my flat cleaning smiling to myself going 'ill be ok',I sat at my pc and got very annoyed that my fingers wouldnt type fast enough and remember looking at the video that had a girl on it,everything was so detailed and I sat there-I dont know how long for-going through all girls names beginning with J in my head of what she might becalled...
another time I was feeling the same (great btw)and I looked at the street lamps and my thought process went something like this 'they are so beautiful,if only the stars were like that,I wonder if we could make the starts like that,then we would see them all thetime cos we never see the stars'
I at some point got my diary which has all diff coloured jellybeans on the front,I looked at it and thought itwas amazing,beautiful and wondered why the hell I hadnt noticed it before and that if I juat looked at it long enough it had all the answers.
another time I was watching tv,it seemed to go really loud,I asked someone and she said it hadnt,it looked really bright to the point I was squinting and it was CRYSTAL clear,like all the other times detail was was amazing,I remember watching the newsand thinking how clever it was how the news readers name eveolved from the bottom.I was talking shit to my friend about what I cant remember,I was telling her I could quite happily go to work tomo which is ridic as Iwas in hosp for suicidal thinking.apparantly I called my fiance as he called asking what id called him for,I didnt have a clue.
these have all happened in the last 5 months with periods of agitation and depression inbetween,these actaul 'weird' moments dont last long,maybe 4 hours or so but the feeling of happiness last a hit longer,however there isnt really any set time that I can see and even if I could my memory is f***d so I wouldnt remember anyway.
Im on 225mg venlafaxine and 500mg cabamazepine.
I havent had a diagnosis and cant seem to get one out of them for anything,they dont even talk to me about whats going on (thats the nhs for you!!)so Im thinking about getting a private consultation bc its ridic,I just want to feel normal,pleeeaaasssee could you get back to me and help me to understand whats going on here?I would be sooooooooooooooooo grateful.
Katie - I just happened on your posting. PLEASE go talk to someone who can do a good diagnosis for you. If it's bi-polar, there are new combinations of medications that get people on a MUCH more normal track than you describe. Print out your description and take it with you....and don't stop until you get with someone qualified whom you trust. There is no reason for you to go in and out of the hospital and still have no answers.
I do not know how it works in the U.K., but in the States, you'd see a psychologist for a good diagnosis (then some work together on skills to deal with Life and your illness) plus a psychiatrist to figure out the right medications for you. If you can't get it through the NHS, go private, but don't stop until you havea diagnosis and a plan.
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