My life at home so far has been running rather smoothly, this comment is bound to put the mockers on it. The kids have settled back into a routine and there seems to be no fallout on that front. College has been going rather well too i have handed in all the work that needed to be handed in and i literally have one evalutation left to do for ICT and i will be finished. I just need to have all the work back and graded to find out if i have passed. The other thing for college is that i have to get them paperwork for the time i was away. I have asked my care coordinator to write me a letter and i can get a sick note from the hospital for the time i was in there also. I have taken two exams since returning and this felt like they went well. College doesn’t officially finish until the 1st July but after this wedesday i have no need to go in.
The HT teams contact has been minimal i got a phone call on the Monday from them simply arranging a time for the doctor to come and see me, this was arranged for wednesday but had to be changed to a later time as it clashed with DBT. My consultant came to see me on wednesday and he didn’t put the drugs up, he felt the side effects i am getting need to settle down a bit before that happens. I think he is worried that i will stop taking them. My mood was slightly elevated, as it has been since before i left hospital it hadn’t really shifted. The real side effects that i am getting are increased appetite and sleep. I am having real trouble getting out of bed in the morning no matter what time i go to bed. I am going to try taking the drugs even earlier than i have been to see if this helps. It is like dragging yourself through mud in the morning to get going. Once i have got going then i am fine, so long as i don’t stop. If i stop then i need to nap which usually lasts for 3 or 4 hours. Anyway the doctor and HTteam stayed for about 1/2 hour 45 mins and we chatted about how i was coping which is fine at the moment. I am still having suicidal thoughts, though not as strong as before; i am still having some quite powerful self harm urges too, though i have not caved in to any of them. At the moment i feel i can cope with these thoughts and urges but i wish they would go away.
The wednesday afternoon brought a call from social services. I have been waiting for this one but it still took me back a little. They had had a referal from the ward, standard practice apparently and from the fostering team. Because i was in hospital for 27 days i missed the fostering arrangement thing by 1 day. At 28 days it becomes a private foster arrangement and social services get involved. I kinda knew this from past experience and this was one of the reasons i had wanted to go home. However, they wanted to come and see how i was coping with the children and if i or they needed any support. We arranged an appointment for friday afternoon after school. I spent all day friday stressing about the appointment making sure the house was spotless including the minefield that my daughter calls her room. The HT team came and saw me in the morning and i told them my mood had dropped, but they didn’t seem too concerned. They stayed for all of 10 mins and left, pointless. I picked my little boy up from school and sure enough the social worker turned up as arranged. She went through a load of nosey questions including family tree, family support, Ha, doctors, school teachers etc. She was surprised to learn that the children had actually had a social worker assigned to them for about a year and that they were only signed off in september, she said she had no report or record of this. She looked around the house and then spoke to my daughter on her own and then my son. She seemed happy with what she had found and told me it was only routine and there would be no follow up as she could not see how they could help any further, she was pleased with how the kids were and saw no issues. Relief flooded over me, it’s not that i have anything to hide from them, i don’t, i was honest and open with her; but i just don’t need the added pressure and stress that having social services involved brings.
DBT went well this week. There are now 6 members to our group, one person in particular is a pain in the arse, she just doesn’t lnow when to shut up and is one of those annoying people who has been there, done that and got the t-shirt, all better than anyone else in the group. I don’t like to be unfair but everyone else thinks the same thing also. The group leaders are being quite firm with her but i am surprised she didn’t get a slap this week as she just went a bit too far with one person in particular and group leaders or not you can’t take back something once it has been said. We are doing interpersonal skills and this is definately a module that i am finding challenging. My interpersonal skills when it comes to me are crap. I guess i lack a lot of self respect for myself and really need to work on it. The group will be smaller next week as two members are away, so i will have to see how this reflects back on the one person who is a pain as she will have more time to speak next week. My psychologist has been really helpful both when i was in hospital and when i have left. She is still adamant that we need to work on emotions and that this is the key to some of my issues. However she is taking it a lot slower than before, she thinks some of what we were working on had an impact on me and led to some of my problems before my admittance.
The last thing to talk about is university. I haven’t got any of the courses that i applied for, but that is ok as i didn’t really want them anyway. However, in clearing there is a course that i would really like to do. This may cause a conflict of interest with someone who is in charge of that course. I think i am going to have to have a quite word before i apply for it to test the water as such.
Anyway anyone that is still reading thanks. This has been a long and rambling post and i know i should post more often but i have just been too busy and my short term memory is rubbish at the moment so i forget things unless i write them down.