The last few days i have been all over the place. Tuesday my mood was on the floor, my head was raging with thoughts and visions and would not shut up. My care coordinator was supposed to be taking me out for coffee, as she feels i don’t get out enough. This appointment was scheduled for 10.30am, as the time drew near i got really anxious so i decided to take a lorazepam to ease this. I was fine it was only 1mg. 10.30 came and went, i thought she was running late which is the norm, but as the minutes ticked by my anxiety grew so i took another lorazepam. At 11.30am i rang the CMHT to speak to her and was told she was out of the office and probably on her way to me and to call back in 20 mins if she hadn’t arrived. 20 mins came and went and i got more and more pissed to counter act this in my mind i took a couple more lorazepam. At 1 o’clock i rang her mobile i don’t like doing that but was peeved enough with her to do it. She answered and when i asked why she hadn’t turned up she apologised and said that she had overlooked our appointment and would come straight away. I then, for what ever reason was going on in my head decided to take more lorazepam. By the time she turned up i was barely with it. I don’t remember all our conversation, i do remember reminding her that she had suggested we go for a coffee which she had forgotten about and apologised again. She asked me if there was anything i wanted to tell her. I am assuming that considering the state i was in she had the impression that i had taken something but she never asked me directly. She asked me if i wanted her to hold my pills for safety and i told her no. She told me she would contact my psychiatrist and talk to him about my mood swings. She then left. Which did nothing for my state of mind, thankfully i was still with it enough to organise things for my son. I then took some more lorazepam and passed out upstairs.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. We discussed my mood swings and he decided that i have had an episode resulting in a move back to depression. He had a student in with him who asked me my history the look on my face was enough for my psychiatrist to interrupt and give a brief run down. He said i had erroniously been diagnosed with a PD (news to me as i thought i had never had an actual diagnosis of a PD) and that when my diagnosis and medication had been changed then i had improved rapidly. He said he wanted to add an antidepressant but was aware that i am very sensitive to them and didn’t know if that was the best thing to do. I suggested that a bit of hypomania was not a bad thing at this stage as i was feeling so bad some of my old coping mechanisms were making an appearance. He calls it self harm, i call it shutting my head up. Anyway he has added an anti- depressant, sertraline, at a tiny dose 25mg and has given me instructions to stop it if i start heading up and to ring him straight away if it happens. He also upped my mood stabilizer in the hope that it may counter act any mania the anti depressant may start.
Last night i had a very emotional phone call from my sister, not the best of timings seeing where my head is at the moment. She had been to see a medium who had said things to her. This medium apparently was talking to our mum. She also told my sister that there was someone in the periphary of the family who needed to be brought back in and that an effort should be made to do this. I guess my sister thought that was me. She said some quite in depth things to me and has decided that i need to sort my differences out with everyone as they don’t know what they are. This became very apparent with what she was saying to me. It is also very obvious that she doesn’t understand my illness either. It turns out my sister is on an anti depressent which has helped her loads for a bout of depression which she is recovering from, i’m pleased, but now she thinks that she is a bit of an expert. Maybe i am being unfair. She is offering an olive branch and this doesn’t really happen in my family. Now i am confused as to what i should do. My heart is saying take it and see where it leads my head is telling me i am leaving myself open to more emotional distress. If my psychologist was around i would definately run this one by her unfortunately shes not back for another week and a half so that is not an option. I am in a real quandry as to what to do.