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After My Suicide Attempt…

Posted Apr 03 2011 4:35pm
April 3, 2011 | Author Melissa Shell

This is the third day of WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge and this is today’s prompt:

Yahoo Answers Post–Pretend you are writing a question about your condition–it can be as silly/humorous as you want.Now answer it. (Remember: Your answer can be just as silly)

Believe it or not, I have never even looked at Yahoo Answers before. So in order to get an idea of what types of questions are asked I browsed through the mental health section. While I was there, I encountered a question that I wanted to answer, and decided to use it for today’s challenge rather than making one up.

How did u feel after your failed suicide attempt(s)?

When I first woke up in the intensive care unit – after my suicide attempt – I was confused. I could not figure out where I was. My confusion increased when I realized my hands, and feet were tethered to the bed. I remember a nurse coming in and untethering me.

I must have gone back to sleep, because the next thing I remember is someone coming in and telling me I had to go have a scan of my head – they said something to the effect of “to find out” if there was something wrong with my brain. I remember thinking that I had to pee. After that, I went back to sleep.

When I woke up again, I was a little more aware of my surroundings. I noticed there was someone in my room – it did not occur to me the person was a guard until hours later. Slowly, I became somewhat less confused, and recalled that I had tried to kill myself.

As I became more aware of where I was, my nurse, and the female guard in my room began to talk to me. That is when I learned that I had been in a coma, and when I came out of my coma I became violent. It explained why I had been tethered to the bed. To this day, there is almost a whole day that I have no memory of.

I do remember being extremely angry. However, I could not tell you who I was angry with. Maybe I was angry with the world, and everyone and everything in it. I also remember how embarrassed I felt when I heard the stories about my behavior – when I was coming out of the coma. I was also embarrassed about people knowing that I had tried to kill myself. One of the saddest things I remember is still feeling like I wanted to die.

After almost two years of depression treatment, I no longer feel all those negative emotions. I am not proud of the fact that I tried to kill myself, but I do recognize it was the event that started me on the road to becoming more mentally healthy.


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