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Why Do Wives Hate Husbands in Perimenopause? A Wife’s Perspective Part II

Posted Jul 23 2012 1:00am
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The subject of perimenopause and marriage has been a hot one here at The Perimenopause Blog. Until recently, I have given men the floor, so to speak, by posting conversations I’ve had with a couple of men in hopes the dialogue would be useful and helpful for others.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to do something a little different and post a conversation which took place between me and a female reader who is currently going through perimenopause, and whose marriage is also on very shaky ground.

In the past I have offered my own view point, which is helpful, but I thought her point of view would be more helpful, since she is currently going through perimenopause .

Her comments are very typical of how women tend to see things, what they expect and need from relationships, and also include the present influence of perimenopause .

As I have said many times before, but will repeat again for the benefit of those who are coming here for the first time: If your marriage is beginning to crack under the weight of hormonal changes in your wife, I am not suggesting it is all your fault.

I am offering insight into the minds of women so that you can understand what might be happening in the mind of your wife.  It may also prove useful in evaluating your own marriage. However, please do not take any of this as a broad brush statement on perimenopause and all marriages.

All relationships are unique and have their own dynamics.  With that said, this is Part II of my conversation with SAH.

I appreciate your reply Magnolia. After reading the numerous comments from husband’s, especially the ones who have said:

“I’m blindsided! I’ve been a loving, decent husband! This is all the hormones!”

I just figured I’d comment as a woman who is about to enter into her own ‘blindsiding the husband’ phase. Yes, it is my hormones. Until now, I think my peak-fertility hormones were a sort of a buffer.

They significantly increased my ability to tolerate a lot. I feel, however, those buffering hormones are now shifting, and I just can’t take it anymore. In a nutshell, I think I’m in the infancy stage of perimenopause (age 35), but I can not imagine how I will continue to stay married.

I spent years hoping he would make an effort and now I don’t want even want to deal with him.  Period.

My husband has ignored me and refused to change. I actually dread the effort he will probably try to make when I exit our relationship. I have spent years staying here, hoping he’d make an effort.  Now I’m dreading the exit, but I just don’t want to deal with him.  Period.

I believe, after reading other people’s stories (especially the ones from the husbands who feel hated) that my own husband will post something similar in a few years. As I enter more into perimenopause, I feel things will just continue to get worse.  Any hormonal buffer I have had which has enabled me to put up with things, is now gone.

All of my tolerance – which my hubby refuses to acknowledge – is slipping away. I know that when things crumble, he will be “blindsided” too.  But, his selective memory matches his selective hearing. This has been brewing for almost a decade. Perimenopause will not be the cause of our divorce.

It used to be my hubby who didn’t want to do counseling.  But, now, I don’t want to anymore, because in my mind I’m already quietly done.  Because we no longer have any open fighting, he believes he has won.

I’ve stopped nagging, and he probably thinks that things are good.  Perhaps even better since I am no longer actively “trying” (translate: nagging in his mind). So I can see how he might end up being ‘blindsided’ by my exit.

I’ve already exited in my mind.  Right now, I’m quietly finishing a prison sentence.

In my opinion, husbands are usually told for years and decades in advance what the problems are.  But they choose selective hearing and memory about the problems until they are “blindsided.”

By that time, it’s too late.


Hey, you’re welcome, sister…..

When I say I know what you’re feeling, I really, really do. I almost cried when I read your first comment. That’s how much I relate to everything you’re saying.

I hope that a few of the men who come here will see your comment and glean something from it. You made a very insightful and astute comment about your fertility hormones and how tolerant they make you. I think men benefit from that, and some, unfortunately take advantage of it, and abuse the privilege.

I personally have a hard time believing that men are truly blindsided. There might be a few exceptional cases here and there where that is true. But, I would be interested to hear their wife’s version of the story.

You are welcome to come here anytime and unload your frustration. I think a lot of the men who come here could learn something by hearing how women  really feel and what it is that compels us to leave.

Contrary to what so many of them think – it’s never just out of the blue. Ever.

Warmest regards to you, SAH




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