The day after the day after I admitted I have a drinking problem
Posted May 17 2009 10:45pm
How’s that for a title?
Not exactly clever or witty, but it’s the best I’ve got this morning.
Some say, like Cherie, that I should write through this time.
I can see where this is beneficial, but, the problem lies in the fact that I don’t have anything particularly insightful or profound to say.
I just feel weird. That’s it. No fancy adjectives, no creative phrasing or great ponderings. Just weird. Mainly because I honestly don’t know if I belong there. I’ve said this at each of the three meetings I’ve attended so far. Each time, I could feel the quiet gaze of those who were thinking, “yeah, that’s what we thought when we first came too”
Am I in denial? I do not know. I just know it’s very difficult to go into the room and say, “Hi I’m Magnolia and I’m an alcoholic”
It’s easy for me to say, “I’m Magnolia and I have a drinking problem.” Or, “I’m Magnolia and I’m trying to figure this out”. But, I’m not ready to slap a label on myself that says I’m alcoholic.
Some of the hardliners might see me as one of those people they speak about in the beginning of the AA book - the person who will not totally surrender to the process. These people, supposedly, do not make it with AA and according to AA, these people have a bigger problem. Pride, I would suspect.
I’m certain I have my own good dose of pride. I know this because I can clearly see it in others. Funny how that works. Maybe it’s my pride. Maybe it’s my fear. Maybe it’s all of those feelings that have been jumbled up deep inside me that have driven me to drink them away, that is keeping me from saying those three words - I’m an alcoholic.
I don’t feel like an alcoholic. I feel like an addict. Maybe addict has become a more socially acceptable euphemism for uglier things. I mean, after all, who doesn’t admit to being addicted to something? Like their cell phone, or the Internet, or shopping, or anything else that is common to our society?
I do know that if I smoke a cigarette, I will smoke 3 packs of cigarettes. I do know that when I was a teenager, I was addicted to drugs. I do know I exhibit addictive behavior with my computer and Internet habits. I do know I have addictive tendencies across the board.
I may be the only person in the history of AA that gets kicked out. Because, I don’t know if I will ever say “I’m an alcoholic”. I’m not much on the serenity prayer either. That’s because I’m not much on clichés and platitudes. I’ve always seen the serenity prayer as both.
I also have a problem with group-think, being the rebellious-you-won’t-tell-me-what-to-think kind of person that I am. It’s way down on a gut level that I resist such a thing. It is why I’ve never been part of any club. I don’t like clubs. Clubs seem hokey to me. I do like people though and I am comfortable in group situations. I just don’t like the club mentality and I usually won’t ever join.
This issue might be the thing that keeps me away from Alcoholics Anonymous for the long term. I do not see myself surrendering to the club. I do see myself listening to these people discuss their lives and share their stories. I love a good story. I do like that the environment is honest and without pretense. If it comes from the heart, I will respond. I’ve seen some pretty heartfelt stuff in the last 48 hours and that might be the thing that keeps me coming back. If they don’t kick me out first.