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Perimenopause – Can you Hand me That Doolie-Bopper?

Posted Sep 23 2009 2:52pm

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I know what it is!  You know, when you, uh, oh, what is that?  Umm, when you can’t remember, uh, that, uh, you know, the what-cha-ma-call-it, no…..uh……that thinga-ma-jiggy? Oh….wait!  I know!  Ooooooh!  It’s coming…….wait, wait, wait…….doo-hicky?  Yeah!  You know!  That thingy-ma-bob?

Tell me this has never happened to you and I’ll tell you that you’re under 40 or likely have no children.  (Though children are not required for you to suffer from it they do seem to compound it) It is a disease that primarily afflicts women forty and over and it’s contagious as all get out.  It’s called, ummm, hold on, it’s coming to me………. Dang!  What is it now? 

I don’t know, but recently I’ve had a really bad case of it.  Like it took me about 20 paces and a really long pause before I could tell my daughter what was cooking in the oven.  So, there I sit, head bowed as if in prayer, waiting…….waiting…….waiting…….. for that word to pop into my brain.

“Mommy?  Can you hear me?”   

“Yes, honey, I can hear you”

…..one, two, three……..eighteen, nineteen, twenty……..

Bacon!   That’s it! That’s what’s in the oven!  Yeah!  Bacon!” 

And then there are the times that I’m happily typing along at my computer and I stop.  Just like that.  I stop, I fold my arms across my chest, and wait.

I mean, it’s  like I’m waiting for the freakin’ bus or something. Except, it’s not the bus I’m waiting for -  it’s my brain.  I’m  waiting for my brain to find a word that I have held in my vocabulary my entire adult life, and yet, for some reason, I can’t for the life of me remember what it is.  

Or how about when you look at your children and you can’t for the life of you place their name?  So you start running down the list (if you have more than one – if you don’t, I don’t know what to tell you ) of names and eventually, hopefully, maybe, you’ll come to the right one.  If not, you just wave in their general direction and say…..

“Oh, whatever you name is.”

So, what is this curious  phenomenon that afflicts so many women and causes them to rewrite the English language and make-up new words right on the spot?  Is it dementia?(I’ve sworn it was)  Early onset of Alzheimer’s? (no, but it sure feels like it sometimes). No, no, none of these ladies, but I’ve got the answer – drum roll please……….umm, wait, let’s see, it’s uh………it’s coming, hold on……….JUST KIDDING!

noun It’s called LND.  Yeah.  You heard me.  LND.  What exactly is LND?  It’s Lost Noun Disease – you know, like, if you were a noun where would you hide kind of thing?

Really!  I swear!  I’m not making this up! (ok, the name is made up).  But, lookie, haven’t you ever noticed that every time you can’t think of a word it’s related to a person, place or thing? 

Don’t believe me?  Put it to the test.  The next time you have trouble remembering a word,  just check your English handbook to see if that word is an adjective, an adverb, a pronoun or noun.  I’ll betcha that every single time it’s a noun – proper or otherwise.

And in the meantime, if you can’t remember what that book is that I just recommended (it is a noun after all) read this little excerpt from  A Survivor’s Guide to Surgical Menopause   

Estrogen seems to be somehow linked to memory itself, especially verbal memory. Women with low estrogen frequently complain of feeling “foggy,” losing track of their thoughts, words, objects, or blocks of knowledge such as how to get from one location to another. Nouns are particular victims of this process, leading to those helpless conversational fumblings that are one of the hallmarks of menopausal women. That this is a transmission problem is indicated by the recovery of this “lost” information and capability once estrogen levels are restored. 

So there you have it ladies.  You’re not going crazy and you’re not losing your mind.  It’s perimenopause (or menopause ) and you’ve simply lost your estrogen.  ( a noun, of course )  

So, the next time you find yourself standing there staring blankly at your child, your husband, your co-worker or your next door neighbor mumbling incoherently, making up words on the spot, tell them, 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It’s perimenopause and I just have ummm, uh…….oh darn, what was that now????  Oh, yeah, I have doo-hickie disease!”"

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