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Five Things I Wish I Knew About Menopause Before Starting Menopause

Posted Sep 03 2009 5:24pm

My friends don’t seem to be going through it.   My two older sisters don’t seem to be going through it.   My aunties don’t talk about it.   My mother had a hysterectomy at a young age and passed away when I was 23.   Nobody seems to be able to talk to me of this “passage” I am enduring.

Google has become my Mama.   I have learned a lot of things from my Mama.   Some good, some bad, some funny, and some sad.   (Someone please stop me, I am sounding like a Dr. Seuss Menopause book!)

Here is a list of things I wish I knew about menopause before starting.   There are many more, but let’s start slowly:

1.      When once you were a very even-keeled and gentle woman, you are suddenly going to be faced with the demon within.  I am now throwing shoes in my car and hissing at people like a rabid cat.   Sometimes my moods are so absurd I have to laugh.   I guess we won’t worry until I am actually hurling my sneakers at the insane people around me.

2.      Sleep.   Don’t get too attached!   I am THRILLED if I get several hours of uninterrupted sleep.    I have also suddenly grown an intolerance to wine.   BOOOOO!   If I have more than one glass, I am awake at 2 am working on beating my high score on Tetris.

3.      Sex.   It will change.  Since my oldest Mini Maniac reads this, I will leave this up to your imagination.   Don’t want to scar the poor kid!   Better yet, we will let Diane, our other Maniac tell you about that! ;)

4.      Hot Flashes.   If you think it’s a hot flash, it probably is.  I was in hot flash denial.   I even told Dr. Thomas that I don’t have them.   He seemed skeptical.   I told him “Well, sometimes I am sitting in a room…suddenly it feels like 1000 degrees….I start fanning myself …go turn down the thermostat and say ‘is it just me, or is it hot in here?’   That’s not a hot flash, right?”    He smiled at me and said “That’s a hot flash.”   FINE!   WHATEVER!   (See item number one on how I reacted to this bit of news).

5.      Weight Gain .   GRRRRRR! ­   The other day I was doing my hair in my underwear.   It was hot!   (See #4)   I got a mirror to check out the back of my hair.   I turned around with my back to the big mirror, held up the hand mirror and gasped.   WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?   That, my dear, is your new friend….back fat!   Screw the back of the hair!   I am never looking again!   If I am walking around with bed-head, keep your mouth shut!

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