The Toilet Paper Article of the Week: Back In The Ring
Posted Jan 08 2010 4:00am
Here’s an article from our friends over at The Toilet Paper. To subscribe to their free ball busting daily newsletter, click here.
It’s 2010 and still no Jetsons fold-up cars or Back to the Future hover boards. However, it’s hard to be disappointed with mankind’s technological progress when you consider that we do have spray pancakes and those nifty Heineken mini-kegs.
Every January fills us with optimism, a clearer sense of purpose, and the goal of positive change, AKA the New Year’s resolution. That’s right; it’s time to lose the FUPA, stop smoking, quit gambling, cut down on the booze, go to church on Sunday, and volunteer at a local orphanage giving hugs. For us here at TTP headquarters, we are giving up dating girls named JWoww and are selling the office didgeridoo.
49% – Percentage of all adults who have ever smoked that quit, according to the American Heart Association. Sounds like an incredibly high success rate until you consider it’s hard to continue smoking when you’re dead.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
Mark, we’d like you to meet Elin Nordegren Woods.
verb. 1. To abstain or keep away from; shun; avoid.
Used in a sentence: Following getting his teeth knocked out at Esau’s bar mitzvah, Efram has eschewed fruit chews.
The first day of the year was fixed as January 1 by the Gregorian calendar, which was introduced by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582. The purpose of introducing a new calendar was the need to regulate Christian feasts, days, and festivals. Coincidentally, it’s also great for keeping track of the annual Topless Coleslaw Wrestling Tournament at Biketoberfest.
Least Popular New Year’s Resolutions
1. Gain fifty pounds.
2. No more flossing.
3. Explore Topeka, KS.
4. Become a fan of Insane Clown Posse.
5. Finally catch herpes.