Contrary to what you may believe, I don’t sit around in my underwear, drinking tequila and blogging about sports every day. I work from home so while I may actually sit around in my underwear, the drinking and blogging don’t take place on a daily basis. Oh fine, the blogging doesn’t take place on a daily basis. I actually have a real job in the real world. I’m an executive headhunter. I have about 30 seconds to wow someone before they decide that their time could be better spent elsewhere.
Wednesday I spoke with a gentleman who shared with me that his son had started practice with the University of Texas’ baseball program and was on a scholarship. In a moment of verbal diarrhea I immediately said, “Big XII, awesome, I played college softball.” While normally this would have been a moment I would refer to as a “moment of commonality” (you sales guys out there know what I’m talking about) I could hear crickets chirping. The pause was so long I thought the guy might have hung up. And then he said, “really, hmmm…how about that…so what opportunity did you want to talk to me about?”
Truth be told, that is not an uncommon response. I knew what he was thinking. Either “fat chick” or “dykes on spikes.” I find myself (half out of pride, half out of necessity) having to make a small disclaimer: I am heterosexual, 5’6”, and 115 lbs soaking wet. With that in mind, I will proceed. Let me address a few things upfront because I’m sure you have questions, and rightfully so. Yes, if you happen to catch NCAA Softball on ESPN 2 it’s likely that the straight girls are the ones wearing bows or sequined headbands. Yes, I had a few lesbians on my team, and we all used the same locker room/shower. And finally, yes I have been slapped on the ass during a game from an opposing team lesbian who gave me “fuck me eyes” the night before. That’s neither here nor there. The point? There is a reason why “Executive A” probably had those thoughts. While not all stereotypes or clichés are true, if one finds smoke, there’s usually fire.
While I hate the cliché of “dykes on spikes” I have to admit that I love using a good cliché from time to time. Who doesn’t? They are fun, descriptive, and generally they relate to everyone. With that being said, let’s use some standard clichés to examine how the 32 NFL teams must be feeling going into week 3:
Cowboys: It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
This is the elephant in the room. Tony Romo is not exactly leading his pack, here. If the Bengals’ Ocho/TO combo are the NFL’s Batman and Robin then the Dallas combo of Romo/Witten are the NFL’s Bert and Ernie. Not exactly the dynamic duo you want representing your offensive power. Thankfully for Jerry Jones, America’s team, and the millions of white-trash Americans sporting the Cowboy star tattoo, it’s a long season, and an 0-2 start doesn’t dictate your season…. the trick is you can’t let it. It’s time for the Cowboys to turn over a new leaf.
Saints: Firing on all cylinders.
There’s no way around this one. The defending Super Bowl champs look good. Damn good. They should be feeling like a million bucks. They make things look easy in the Big Easy, and I have no doubt they are ready to sail with the wind in week 3 despite the loss of Reggie Bush.
Lions: It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.
Hey at least they are more fun to watch this year! Try telling Jahvid Best and his fellow rookies it’s not about winning and see where that gets you. There’s a guy who put it all on the line last week. A for effort. You guys are bound to win one.
Chiefs, Dolphins, Bears, Bucs: You’re only as good as your last performance.
2-0 marks the best start for the Chiefs since 2005 (not really saying a whole lot). Dolphin fans, you have to be stoked. Bucs fans, enjoy it while it lasts. And the Bears. Man, that Jay Cutler has really started playing better now that he’s dating Kristen Cavallari. She’s like the anti-Jessica Simpson. She’s not a curse; she’s a good luck charm. I look forward to seeing KC, Miami, and Chicago try to keep up with the Joneses this year.
Chargers: If you look sharp, you play sharp.
1-1, blah blah blah. On a more important note, will you please bust out those fabulous powder blues? Best. Unis. Ever.
Vikings: Uphill battle:
“You’re too fat, old man. Your tits are too big. Now get off my porch.” For those of you who don’t know Fight Club, we here at justaguything.com adhere by the first and only rule. We don’t talk about Fight Club. That being said, without a strong supporting cast, Favre’s age is starting to show.
Eagles: Out with the old, in with the new.
I thought about using, “even the sun shines on a donkey’s ass some day.” I really wanted to, but last minute, I pulled the plug. Out with the old and in with the new is far more appropriate for the current situation in Philadelphia. Most people agree with Andy Reid when he says: “Vick is playing out of his mind right now…” Out of his mind? How about out of my mind? I was disgusted, then jealous last weekend when someone in my fantasy league picked him up before I could. I know what you’re thinking…You’re thinking I can’t make up my mind about this guy. I’m a chick. Of course I can’t.
49’ers: You’re only as good as your weakest link.
Alex Smith, you are the weakest link. You’ve been voted off the island. Please pack your knives and go. You’re fired. Auf Wiedersehen.
Texans: Sometimes a spade is just a spade.
Like the Saints, the Texans are just good. I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but they have two more quick wins ahead of them if they stay the course. Look for the Texans to be 4-0 going into week five.
Browns, Bills, Rams, Panthers: Turn out the lights. The party’s over.
The fat lady is singing. Your glass is half-empty. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. You guys are knee-high to the grasshopper. You are flat as a pancake. Your dishes are done. You’ve got a long row to hoe. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Shall I continue?
Steelers: Defense wins championships.
Coaches LOVE this cliché. Defense is about toughness. Refusing to throw in the towel. Defense is gritty. And thank god for the Steelers they have put on disgustingly strong defensive performance thus far in the 2010 season. Although your star quarterback has a problem with this one, keep your pants on Steeler Nation. Big Ben will be back soon and you are 2-0 and without a full deck of cards.
Cardinals: What goes up must come down.
Is it really possible to fight gravity? Nope.
Ravens, Falcons, Skins, Jags, Seahawks, Broncos, Titans: Better to be somebody then nobody.
You aren’t first and you aren’t last. You aren’t a contender, but you aren’t getting duking it out for the #1 pick, either. It’s Reservoir Dogs time. Stuck in the middle with you. Now, who’s Mr. Pink, who’s Mr. Brown, who’s Mr. Blonde, who’s getting their ear cut off, who’s a fucking cop, who’s fucking dyin’, and who’s making away with the cash? P.S. If you have 30 seconds please click on the link below (and then come back, of course). If you didn’t love me before, you love me now. You can tip me later. Enjoy. http://www.angryalien.com/0406/reservoirbuns.asp
Packers: Good things come to he who waits.
If patience is a virtue then Aaron Rogers is the most virtuous in all the land. Green Bay knows where their bread is buttered. All hail the passing game. Aaron Rogers is like that Hansel. He is so hot right now.
Giants: You can’t treat everyone equally, but you can treat everyone fairly.
I know secretly you guys wish you had the other Manning, but Eli deserves to be treated fairly. He can’t be treated as an equal to Peyton. That would involve, amongst many things, having an offensive line that can actually block. You still have the potential to be a good team this year. Give the younger Manning some more time in the pocket. See what happens.
Patriots: Under the radar.
American Football in…Gladiator:
Falco (Belichick): I have been told of a certain sea snake which has a very unusual method of attracting its prey. It will lie at the bottom of the ocean as if wounded. Then its enemies will approach, and yet it will lie quite still. And then its enemies will take little bites of it, and yet it remains still.
Commodus (Brady): So, we will lie still, and let our enemies come to us and nibble.
Bottom line…Watch out, guys. Never under-estimate Belichick, Brady, and the Pats…even after a horrible loss.
Bengals: One man’s trash in another man’s treasure.
The Bengals are seriously the NFL’s misfit toys. Cincy is the Island of the Misfit Toys NFL style, where defective players can make a home. That means Marvin Lewis is like Santa. The thing about these so called Misfit Toys is, (if you’ve seen Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, you know) there is a heck of a lot of camaraderie between them and in the end, they actually help save Christmas. Watch out, everyone. All the Bengals need is a little confidence to spread their wings—and Carson Palmer to actually look like the franchise quarterback they keep wanting him to be.
Raiders: Answering to the old ball and Chain.
Seriously, I can’t decide who would win in an Al Davis look-a-like contest—that guy that drinks from “the wrong cup” in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, or the creepy guy at the beginning of Tales From the Crypt. Bottom line, until Oakland drops its old ball and chain, that football franchise is doomed.
Colts: Get back on the horse.
Settle your ruffled tail feathers. After week two’s Sunday night performance, it’s safe to say that Peyton and his crew picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and are back in the game.
Jets: Ace up the sleeve.
As much as it pains me to say, the Jets might actually have an ace up their sleeve. I’ll give you a hint. He’s more confident, he is playing to win, and he looks like he’s having fun while doing it. Someone should remake Elton John’s hit to reflect what’s happening in NYC….Nevermind, I’ll do it:
Say look at em go, their climbing in the rankings
Giants sucked last week, NY is theirs for the taking.
It’s both weird and wonderful
They beat New England by fourteen
Suck it Brady, Mark was also on the
Cover of GQ maga-ziiinnnneee….
Sa-Sa-San-chez and the Jets.
W-O-W. Phewwwww….Remind me to think twice next time, prior to making such a big commitment. (Speaking of commitment, I am an equal opportunity blogger and do promise to give love outside the NFL at some point.) Seriously though, 32 teams is a helluva lot of teams. For a moment I thought I was in over my head. With that being said, I’m spent…that all folks…the whole kit n’ caboodle… the whole ball of wax…I hate to cut you off at the knees, but I don’t want to beat a dead horse here…Everybody has to go sometime….I’ve had my 15 minutes of fame this week…It’s a wrap…Good night, America, wherever you are…Time to put a lid on it… I think you’re pickin’ up what I’m laying down…See ya next week….