This is an old classic, but truthful and still completely relevant. Before you ever place a formal request to your superiors at your work place, try to think of your faults before you go jotting down how great of a worker you are. Enjoy.
I, P. Nis, am requesting a formal review and a raise in my salary for the following various reasons:
I do hard, physical labor.
I work at great depths in a hot, damp environment.
I plunge head-first into my work without question.
I do not get weekends or holidays off and I’m often forced to work twice as hard on Valentine’s Day.
I work in a dark, poorly ventilated place, where I may be exposed to hazardous conditions such as life threatening viruses and disease.
Please see review my request. I hope for a prompt an positive response. Sincerely, P. Niss
Dear Mr. P. Nis:
After assessing your request and reviewing your prior work history, I’m afraid we can not grant your request due to the following contradictions to your arguments.
You have never worked 8 hours straight a day in your life
Your shifts are often very short and you leave a mess at the end of every shift.
You rarely follow orders or requests from the management and your job performance can be rather disappointing at times.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task and have also been seen in various other locations that you are not authorized.
Sometimes you need certain stimulated and motivation in order to start working and It’s rumored that you may be using prescription or performance enhancing drugs.
You don’t always follow necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective outer garments during your shift.
You are rarely available for, and often unable to work double shifts that are often required to get the task completed.
You will likely retire well before the age of 65 and even if you don’t, chances are you will have a difficult time rising to the occasion when called upon.
If all of this was not enough to deny your request,we have observed you toting two strange looking bags every time you leave.
Due to these observations, we can not grant you your request, in fact we feel that we are due some compensation. You, sir, could easily be replaced by a machine.