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How to Stay Warm

Posted Jan 27 2012 8:48am


For some eight months now, I've been teaching Advanced English at a Bible College.  And quit just recently… in absolute frustration of their behavior – the students, fellow teachers pretty much everyone.

During my time, all I tried to do is get them to understand the importance of being open-minded, of taking time to challenge tradition and ways that are now considered to be integral to living an honest Christian life. Not to just accept things for what they are…

I was as successful as trying to get a woman to spend money from her pocket… talk about opening Pandora's Box !

And all I got was: judgement not forgetting irrational behavior that can be expected for religious zealots. As disappointing as this was, thank goodness I didn't tell them what I thought of the old testament and the story of Eve falling prey to the 'snake'.

(Yes, ladies… watch out for the "snake" – or else you'll get a crash course in what feels so gooooood but is so evil!)

Sex – it's good for you, not only in terms of fitness but also if you live in areas where it gets colder than usual. It's one of the best ways to stay warm not unless you fancy spitting – acknowledging the "trysexual" and naughty side of you!

Of course, there are other ways to stay warm, but before that, here's a note on hypothermia and mortality rates in the United States during winter.

US Mortality Rates during Winter & Hypothermia

It took only a few minutes for those aboard the Titanic to die as soon as they hit the water. Reason being the temperate of water was as minus 2 degrees centigrade. No, there were no Coast Guards those days, not that it would have mattered anyways, considering the shitty reputation they have these days.

Anyways, according to a report by the US National Center for Health Statistics between 2001 and 2007, more people have died between the months of December and March than in the other months.

And the difference is almost a 100,000 deaths between the the months during others seasons and winter – such is the impact of hypothermia.

You don't need me to tell you how important it is for you to stay warm… no, it's not an excuse to do you-know-what… oh but it is… (cough cough)

How to Stay Warm

If you're expecting some methods that have been invented by rocket science by which you can stay warm , there aren't any. Instead, here are some simple tips that are available (and evident) to the most one track minded fuckwit on God's green earth:

#1: Winter Wear

Using winter wear is probably the simplest way to keep from getting cold. There are new fangled products such as thermal underwear (so much for chastity belts, and now this!!!) among which Under Armour Coldgear is one such company that offer good stuff to keep you warm, especially in the places which matters most.

#2: Exercise

Easier said than done but then there are fun winter exercise options that can not only help you burn off those calories but keep you warm. Refrain from parking your behind just because it's the holidays, OK?

#3: Alcohol

I'm not suggesting that you go on a binge but it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have a couple of shots. The least it will do for you is warm up your insides, and piss your wife or spouse… perfect dumb guys recipe for makeup sex the following morning, my brothers!

#4: Heater/ Fireplace

Dead heroes are no good to anyone. Get a heater or freeze to death. It's as simple as that. A fireplace won't be such a bad idea either as you'll have to chop some wood to enjoy some downtime by the fire, during the evening.

In Closing

And yes, once you eat the fruit from that tree of good and evil, you won't just be warm – you'll be hot as hell! Just remember to scream while you're at it…

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