Holiday weight gain . It's a bitch, isn't it? So much for Santa , huh? Makes you wonder whether Santa is actually that much-discussed anagram for SATAN!
What a load of crock? Really now? We've got to give the 'evil one' a lot more credit than that. Of course, people would put two and two together by pondering over why the word Santa has to be followed by the word "Claus".
Um, claws, I mean. Satan Claws… oooh! Now that's no coincidence!
The chances of this being true is just as much as Obama being the Anti-Christ… talk about tall tales, and these jobless creeps who can't handle the fact that an intelligent (meaning, well-educated) African-American politician is in power.
These guys are on some kind of 'binge' and it's not of the holiday variety…
The Holiday Spirit, putting on a few pounds & the need to Purge
Considering my childhood, which was filled with (again!) tall tales of spirits, demons, ghosts and anything that filled you with horror, the "holiday spirit" is something that is welcomed with great joy!
I don't know about you but I've about had enough of these supernatural 'horror' stories that the movie Constantine brought to life, and jump head first into the celebrations prior to Christmas and New Year with great gusto.
Who wants to spend Christmas with a bunch of mopey b***ards, belonging to the Jim Jones cadre?
Of course, this means that a lot of food and drink is welcome… oh yes, like the rivers of Babylon… resulting in the phenomenon otherwise known as "holiday weight gain". Fasting , piety and the like won't even have a prayer…
My favorite folks are those who, regardless of the seasons, are hedonists… and with everyone joining them in the festivities in the month of December, don't need any excuses to go overboard.
Yet when the New Year is upon us, most of the others tend to wonder what "holiday madness" took over them, thanks to this weight gain. Yeah maybe, it was Satan's Claws alright…
Yes, the devil tempted and tricked us… so convenient… blame it on the poor bastard who's already within God's crosshairs from here to eternity!
(I'll tell you what it is – it's the inability to accept responsibility for your own actions. Period.)
And while there's a distinct possibility that all this is true, let's try and exercise some restraint (read the tips that follow) just like the priests do, whenever an altar boy kneels before them.
(And if you're offended, you should know that a priest tried this shit with me when I was a kid! Honest!)
How to Prevent Holiday Weight Gain
As stupid and anally retentive as this header might sound, I'm going to try not making a meal of it. So here are some tips to prevent holiday weight gain, as much as possible:
#1: Know thyself
Forewarned is forearmed. And probably, in knowing yourself best, staying in control of your urges is something that you prepare yourself for – not unless Santa's spirited entry into town has you by the you-know-what. Come to think of it – a wife's griping comes in very handy in this instance especially if you've got a Peter Pan complex!
#2: Being fashionably late has its uses
Arrive late at a party during the holidays. This way you'll won't have to crawl to a stranger's car, and wonder why it isn't opening at 2 AM. If you do manage to get into your car, it's not a good time to be-a-rockin'. There are better ways to stave off the cold without using the "office temp"…
#3: Dance & pretend to be a people-person, even if you suck
OK, same scenario. Big party. Office temp at your side. Most people think you suck anyways but dancing and using your limited vocabulary might keep your avaricious paws off the food. No weight gain – and probably, she'll go out with you again for reasons other than the fact that you have a penis and a job!
#4: Stuff your face before you get there
If you're smart enough, you'll eat some healthy food before you overwhelm others with your gluttony when you get there. Not unless you're used to eating – buffet-style!
#5: Less is more, baby
Small plate means small servings. Opt for the simpler foods rather than the gourmet shit that a flood-stricken Bangladeshi will gouge your eyes out for. No sauces and dips – just fresh fruits and veggies. It might impress your date just in case, she and everyone else notices what a douchebag you've been lately.
In Closing
And while Satan (the priest) reached out with his paws (claws, I mean)… I kicked him in the nuts and ran like hell. Satan's claws and "nuts" – not forgetting purgatory… you bet!
Holiday weight gain . It's a bitch, isn't it? So much for Santa , huh? Makes you wonder whether Santa is actually that much-discussed anagram for SATAN!
What a load of crock? Really now? We've got to give the 'evil one' a lot more credit than that. Of course, people would put two and two together by pondering over why the word Santa has to be followed by the word "Claus".
Um, claws, I mean. Satan Claws… oooh! Now that's no coincidence!
The chances of this being true is just as much as Obama being the Anti-Christ… talk about tall tales, and these jobless creeps who can't handle the fact that an intelligent (meaning, well-educated) African-American politician is in power.
These guys are on some kind of 'binge' and it's not of the holiday variety…
The Holiday Spirit, putting on a few pounds & the need to Purge
Considering my childhood, which was filled with (again!) tall tales of spirits, demons, ghosts and anything that filled you with horror, the "holiday spirit" is something that is welcomed with great joy!
I don't know about you but I've about had enough of these supernatural 'horror' stories that the movie Constantine brought to life, and jump head first into the celebrations prior to Christmas and New Year with great gusto.
Who wants to spend Christmas with a bunch of mopey b***ards, belonging to the Jim Jones cadre?
Of course, this means that a lot of food and drink is welcome… oh yes, like the rivers of Babylon… resulting in the phenomenon otherwise known as "holiday weight gain". Fasting , piety and the like won't even have a prayer…
My favorite folks are those who, regardless of the seasons, are hedonists… and with everyone joining them in the festivities in the month of December, don't need any excuses to go overboard.
Yet when the New Year is upon us, most of the others tend to wonder what "holiday madness" took over them, thanks to this weight gain. Yeah maybe, it was Satan's Claws alright…
Yes, the devil tempted and tricked us… so convenient… blame it on the poor bastard who's already within God's crosshairs from here to eternity!
(I'll tell you what it is – it's the inability to accept responsibility for your own actions. Period.)
And while there's a distinct possibility that all this is true, let's try and exercise some restraint (read the tips that follow) just like the priests do, whenever an altar boy kneels before them.
(And if you're offended, you should know that a priest tried this shit with me when I was a kid! Honest!)
How to Prevent Holiday Weight Gain
As stupid and anally retentive as this header might sound, I'm going to try not making a meal of it. So here are some tips to prevent holiday weight gain, as much as possible:
#1: Know thyself
Forewarned is forearmed. And probably, in knowing yourself best, staying in control of your urges is something that you prepare yourself for – not unless Santa's spirited entry into town has you by the you-know-what. Come to think of it – a wife's griping comes in very handy in this instance especially if you've got a Peter Pan complex!
#2: Being fashionably late has its uses
Arrive late at a party during the holidays. This way you'll won't have to crawl to a stranger's car, and wonder why it isn't opening at 2 AM. If you do manage to get into your car, it's not a good time to be-a-rockin'. There are better ways to stave off the cold without using the "office temp"…
#3: Dance & pretend to be a people-person, even if you suck
OK, same scenario. Big party. Office temp at your side. Most people think you suck anyways but dancing and using your limited vocabulary might keep your avaricious paws off the food. No weight gain – and probably, she'll go out with you again for reasons other than the fact that you have a penis and a job!
#4: Stuff your face before you get there
If you're smart enough, you'll eat some healthy food before you overwhelm others with your gluttony when you get there. Not unless you're used to eating – buffet-style!
#5: Less is more, baby
Small plate means small servings. Opt for the simpler foods rather than the gourmet shit that a flood-stricken Bangladeshi will gouge your eyes out for. No sauces and dips – just fresh fruits and veggies. It might impress your date just in case, she and everyone else notices what a douchebag you've been lately.
In Closing
And while Satan (the priest) reached out with his paws (claws, I mean)… I kicked him in the nuts and ran like hell. Satan's claws and "nuts" – not forgetting purgatory… you bet!