"It's Ok, It's Okeeheehee.......you dont have to run and hide away...."
Posted Nov 21 2008 3:08pm
Yep, I sat down today...I just did it. After brushing my teeth I thought "ah what the hell, lets give it a go". It was over and done with without any pain. I have slaughtered the monster under my meditation pillow and just sat. Well, it might be a struggle every time to slay the monster, but at least I won this one!!
Jordan wrote me a comment on my last post which I found quite helpful to understand the issue that I am dealing with...the monster under my meditation pillow. His words:
Strangely, your post reminds me of quitting smoking. I would make all kinds of excuses not to. I still have smokes left, I have a nice Zippo lighter, and other people are smoking, I only smoke to be social, it is the only way for me to step out of the office for some fresh air, excuses ad nausea.Finally I realized it was just the right thing to do and dropped it. Can you identify your resistance to just sitting? Maybe if you labeled all of those things then it would be easier to let them go, then get on with what you know needs to be done.Just some random thoughts."
That comment touched the sore spot for me. It DOES feel like quitting smoking!!! Thank you Jordan! In the last weeks I have been pondering over this and wondered what it was that bothered me so much with zazen. I believe it has much to do with me loving my busy brain. I love being all over the place, high on this jumpy energy.
So I will come clean right here and now: Hi my name is Francisca and I AM ADDICTED TO MY BOUNCING-ALL-OVER-THE-PLACE THOUGHTS ! Or in short: I AM ADDICTED TO STRESS!
And that big fat Monster under my sitting-pillow is called "FEAR OF LETTING GO":
- Fear of running into all sorts of emotions that I have been neatly piling up in a corner of my mind and that might somehow bubble upwards during zazen.
- Fear of letting go that high energy that keeps me going for more.
- Fear that I will become satisfied with just being relaxed and at ease with the life I am living right now (While I am absolutely not satisfied with some parts of my life and feel I need to do something about it... but I haven't figured what exactly).
- Fear of not understanding (I want to be a wise old lady when I grow up and not have to tell grandchildren: well there is no right and there is no wrong. There is nothing and there is everything....WTF??!!).
And there are probably many more types of fear to add to my list.
Now I heard a "wise" man say to someone: " if you want to stop, just stop!" So there you have it. I am going cold turkey! No more fear, no more stress, no more jumpy bouncy thoughts!
...I am exaggerating here a bit, of course. You cant stop thinking. But I can start sitting. And so I will restart my zazen; every day at least once. And take it from there...
So, I sat down today and through my heap of thoughts a song came through. It was sung by Eddie Vedder as an addition to a song during a Pearl Jam concert. The lyrics kept returning during my meditation, even though I tried to ignore it wholeheartedly. But Ed wouldn't let me of the hook. He kept singing: "It's Ok, It's Okeeeheehee, you dont have to run and hide away! It's Ok, It's Okeeeheeheeeheee....." Well, if Ed says so, then it must be so... ;)
I will keep that song ringing in my head for a while as it is pleasant and feels comforting. It is also a standard I want to live by; everything is OK!
It may just be the weapon I need to defeat that monster again when I sit next time.