It has been a long time... Not only for this blog, but also for the meditation. It has been more than 6 months...
In the meantime I got married! That was a beautiful experience,
...bundled with some stress. Not between me and my husband, but more because some people were making a fuss about their role in the wedding and also the expectations I had of some people myself, which did not correspond with reality. I guess weddings always enlarge emotions and feelings people have towards eachother.
Dont get me wrong though, we had a great time and lots of fun with our friends and family. And even though I did not think it could get any better than it already was, the marriage really did enlarge the love and understanding between me and my husband!!
The dissapointment I felt because of some people's behaviour towards the wedding has been an issue in my mind lately. It is as much (or maybe more) my problem as theirs of course. I still dont know what my attitude should be now towards these people. I will figure it out.
I believe Buddhism as some answers on this for me and sitting even more.
So, about my contradictory relationship with meditation;
Meditating is like medicine to me. I should take it, but I don't want to. It is soothing, but hard at the same time and I dont have enough backbone.
I am being hard on myself here I know. But it is true though. My biggest problems is not wanting to miss out on anything and doubting myself at the same time, and not taking action!
I am a bouncing ball most of the time on the inside and I don't allow myself to step back and take a rest.
Meditation is like a medicine and I need it to live a healthier life. I really need to sit down at least once a day and take a look at what is going on inside me and most importantly...letting go!
Every time I do meditate it feels like a little weight has come off my shoulders and take myself less seriously. Time seems to become more stretched and I feel I have more time to do things. It relaxes for real! Still I have trouble to get my behind on the pillow and just do it!
But hee, today I sat again. I had enough of my own whining and just pulled it together... ;)
I understand why there are people who say that sitting is Zen. Sitting is all there is to it. Therein lie all the teachings, in the just-sitting-down-and-breathing.
While I am sitting all kinds of thoughts come by and they point out to me what the subjects are that are important for me at that moment. By counting my breath I can let them go. Mostly the first ten minutes go great, but then my body starts asking attention.
Today I focused on not giving in to my pains, or my leg sleeping. It was hard.
While I was struggling to focus on my breath the timer went off. Normally I am happy it goes off, but now I wanted to continue to see if I could let the aches in my body go.
I will just start from scratch next time.
Someone in meditation class said once that meditation for him was like putting up a wet finger to find out from which direction the wind was blowing.
You get an idea of how you are doing at that moment. Like I said, I should do that more often to gain a clearer mind and to find the strength to take action on things in my life.
Hope this message find you all safe and sound!
p.s. Thanks for the comments people gave me in the last few months. Sorry I havent responded yet...that is one of those things that call for action which I am working on!! XX