Because I just hadn’t reserved any time during the day for meditation I used the last hour before going to bed. It is a perfect in-between time for meditation. There is nothing more useful I can do and it feels like a good ending of the day. This time my boyfriend joined me for the meditation session. He is also following the same zazen course as I am. It really depends on availability, but we try to sit together whenever we can. Either way is good, but it always feels nice to sit together. I sat really comfortable tonight. I did feel my back hurt a bit at the end of the session, but it was not so bad that it made me want to move to relief the feeling. During the meditation so many thoughts pass by. This time mostly thoughts on my website and those of others I had been reading right before sitting. I returned to my breathing every time I caught myself in the act, but near the end of the session this seemed to become harder.I had one instance in which I had a really creative thought which I wanted to hold on to badly. So I just told myself to put it somewhere in the back of my mind and started to focus on my breathing again. Tonight I felt like the meditation was really divided in different mindsets and focus points. During one of these parts I was really focused on the tiny movements my body was making in order to stay balanced on the bench. I have a feeling my body is not in complete harmony and more weight is on the right side of my hips. So at some points I tried to put more weight on my left side, but without moving my body too much. I guess that someone who would have been observing me during the sitting would not have been able to see it. At another point during the meditation I felt that I was not able to exhale very well. I have asthma and so this comes up often during meditation sessions. Because I started focussing on this I felt even more oppressed. At the same time I felt that my stomach was tight with tension and I noticed that this made me a bit emotional. As I did not want to allow myself to become emotional I started concentrating on my breathing again. This helped and soon I was feeling all comfortable again. The whole time I had no problem keeping my eyes out of focus. Sometimes during other sessions I almost fall asleep and have a hard time keeping them open. Not this time, so that felt very nice. At one point I even got the feeling that the floor underneath my pillow was moving and I was floating a bit. But again I did not follow this assumption and went back to my breathing. It is quite funny how things seem to be brought up to your attention and then just slip away again. This also happens with the things I am hearing. At some times I am really aware of the outside noises, but just as quickly I seem to forget about them and feel totally focused on the inside.
What I always notice at the end of the session –when the sounding scales tell me it is time to stop- is a kind of warm and tingling sensation in my ears. I have no idea where this comes from, but it adds to my feeling of awakening when the meditation has ended. I felt happy after the session, because it felt like a session at the beginning of my zen-experiences when I did not feel any pain in my back. I stretched my back and then sat comfortably against the heater for a while in silence.