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Where Is My Woolie!

Posted Jan 04 2010 3:24pm
Well, I called the Dr's office today and the nurse called me back and said the lining of my uterus is "too thick". My local doctor feels I need to take hormones to slough off this lining but is concerned about me taking hormones due to allergies. She recommended I now see a GYN doctor in case other options should be considered. I did ask if they found cancer...After a pause during which I assume she looked at the report, the nurse said no. I asked if it was only hormonal then and she said yes. I really would have preferred talking to the doctor. I do know from my own research, that having a thick lining of the uterus can result in or be a sign of cancer, but my biopsy on Dec. 10th was negative for cancer. That covers 90% of the risk. Dr. V will look over the report Tues or Wed and get back to me with her thinking. It seems to lean towards what she said on the phone consult: The antibiotics have interfered with the metabolism of the estrogen...along with my age being a factor. (Shouldn't she have known this could happen?) This probably has caused a thickening of the endometrium which may mean more tests.

I realize this is supposed to be good news. I get that. But I expected to be told everything was just fine! You are super! Healthy, wealthy and wise! I have had a storm of emotions. To be honest, I am a bit stunned by this. I am confused. I am not happy. I am angry. I am scared. I like things to be resolved. I do not like the unknown. I like all my ducks in a row with no surprises. Fear has joined me on the sofa, hugging me tight. Even though I was told nothing else was found, we don't know 100% for the "what-ifs" creep in and my struggle with trusting any doctors in the first place rears its ugly head.

My liver tests came back as normal (good news) so now I am supposed to go back on Zithromax, Mepron, Doxy, and also start the herb Cumanda. I am not so sure I want to. Killing off the Lyme can set me up for cancer. Both kill. Do I make a choice? I know of others who had had their gall bladder out so they could take IV antibiotics without problems. I could not do that. Can I do this now that I know? I have a lot of questions for Dr. V.

My "issues" have taken away my abilities to be rational right now and tossed them out the window while they join hands to do a victory dance. "Gotcha....gotcha...." "You have not conquered me" FEAR says. "Nope. I am still here wreaking havoc on your soul." "Hello hello", says DISTRUST. "Thought you got rid of me, huh?!" Discouragement comes in along with Giving Up. They wait for a break in the music to join FEAR and DISTRUST. They never tire of dancing on my spirit. And in the background, Lyme and its buddies wait. Wait for me to raise the white flag.

No matter how I feel right now, they are going to have to wait a long time for me to raise the white flag of surrender. It is not in my nature to lay down and give up for long. For a day, for a week sometimes, but not for good. I just need to take time to grasp what is going on, PRAY, figure out my options, get opinions from Dr. V and my practitioner, and make a plan. Gain some sense of control (another issue). But for tonight, I am heading to the kitchen for pancakes, then my PJ's, Woolie, and a box of Kleenex so I can feel sorry for myself and cry my way through living in a broken world with a broken body.

When I am done, I'll be back.
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