My brain's capacity to function on a linear level has diminished. It frightens me, though affords a certain kind of opportunity all the same. There have been periods in which I can not decipher verbal input. That is to say- words no longer have meaning. They are a series of texturized sounds. Today is alright.
Sleep has been an issue. Ambien became a substance I was dependent upon for sleep, regardless of how I drugged myself otherwise. After three months of steady use, it no longer put me to sleep either, only released a flood of energy. For a short time, I went without sleep, five complete days of three hours or less. I could barely move my body, the cane was too heavy, and I clung to the walls in a desperate attempt to walk. I also became ill with the flu.
I have never felt pain to such an extent. I don't want to shatter it by attempting to verbalize with unwieldy phraseology. However, I will say this: it was the sort of inescapable pain that will override time, pattern, emotion, identification, and desire. It is pure, it is destructive, and it is wise. That is all I will say, but know that it has effected me deeply. I do not know how long this will last or how long until another swell of opaque fatigue comes back.
I have been eating quite well. A year without gluten, sugar, dairy. Half a year half raw. Cleansing is an important aspect of treatment, diet is a vehicle in order to do this.
I feel disjointed, emphatically limbic, swilling backwash of the mind. It's getting harder.