The past two days I have been in a depression. This is very unusual for me, but it has felt like I was carrying around a heavy blanket of dark emotions...I have cried, lost sleep, and had a high increase of anxiety. Strangely, along with the high anxiety inside, my body felt slow and lethargic on the outside. Joel and I have both been surprised by the intensity of my emotions. Where did this come from? I needed to spend time figuring it out ~ was it a reaction to a medication, to die-off of bacteria, or was it an "inside job"?I quickly realized that it was an inside job, as my inner critic was using a megaphone to remind me of all my failures. I can handle it when I fail at a task, or a goal, but it is much more difficult when I fail as a mother or wife and hurt those I love. In my eyes this is unforgivable, and like the Apostle Paul it seems that "I do the things I do not want to do". I was disgusted with myself for repeating behaviors I dislike about myself ~ once again.Today as I lay in bed resting, I picked up "A Pace of Grace" and opened it to where I had it bookmarked. The chapter was on forgiveness and my first thought was, "I think the people I love are probably getting tired of having to forgive me for the same old mistakes. I would not blame them if they did not want to be around me, at times I am not easy to be around." My head was filled with doom and gloom. As I continued to read, I realized that Popov was talking about self-forgiveness, and that I needed to let go of my mistakes, and begin to focus on my good qualities. Linda Popov says, "When we focus on our virtues, we no longer act like victims of our own deficiencies." Oddly enough, I was feeling like a victim of my "deficiencies". Focusing on my virtues gives me the opportunity to grow and change while still loving and forgiving myself.After reading this, I felt the weight of depression begin to lift off of me and hope take its place.Popov says, "Forgiving myself means we stop punishing ourselves or feeling hopeless because of something we did. We move ahead, ready to do things differently, with compassion for ourselves and faith that we CAN change."It is not easy for me to write with honesty about my insecurities, my mistakes, or my perceived failures as a mother and wife, but I do so because I know that others may relate, and I believe that Teachable Moments are what help us to become the people we want to be.
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I quickly realized that it was an inside job, as my inner critic was using a megaphone to remind me of all my failures. I can handle it when I fail at a task, or a goal, but it is much more difficult when I fail as a mother or wife and hurt those I love. In my eyes this is unforgivable, and like the Apostle Paul it seems that "I do the things I do not want to do". I was disgusted with myself for repeating behaviors I dislike about myself ~ once again.
Today as I lay in bed resting, I picked up "A Pace of Grace" and opened it to where I had it bookmarked. The chapter was on forgiveness and my first thought was, "I think the people I love are probably getting tired of having to forgive me for the same old mistakes. I would not blame them if they did not want to be around me, at times I am not easy to be around." My head was filled with doom and gloom. As I continued to read, I realized that Popov was talking about self-forgiveness, and that I needed to let go of my mistakes, and begin to focus on my good qualities. Linda Popov says, "When we focus on our virtues, we no longer act like victims of our own deficiencies." Oddly enough, I was feeling like a victim of my "deficiencies". Focusing on my virtues gives me the opportunity to grow and change while still loving and forgiving myself.After reading this, I felt the weight of depression begin to lift off of me and hope take its place.
Popov says, "Forgiving myself means we stop punishing ourselves or feeling hopeless because of something we did. We move ahead, ready to do things differently, with compassion for ourselves and faith that we CAN change."
It is not easy for me to write with honesty about my insecurities, my mistakes, or my perceived failures as a mother and wife, but I do so because I know that others may relate, and I believe that Teachable Moments are what help us to become the people we want to be.