I have been suffering traumatic states of hysteria since early May and am just now stabilizing in a way I feel vaguely comfortable with. I saw my doctor last month and he made himself known as a resource through a means I never enamoured to consider. Through this, I have been alone- either by choice or situation. His presence now remained sincere and helpful. He said, "I am going to do something that I am really not comfortable with. However, I believe it is important."
Yes, I am now on antibiotics ranging from my favorite (Mepron) to the slang pack (Azithromycin) and back to the subtle (Minocycline). I feel motivated after having such a wonderful Halloween where I dressed according to obsession and donned a platinum wig.
Though the pain is great, it is nothing in comparison to what I have experienced prior. My last doctor had me on nine times the dosage I am currently taking, which needless to say murdered me from the inside out.
Babesia is the target as currently I have slipped into a milieu of differing mental illnesses. I have to say, being able to withstand Bipolar and OC disorders certainly lends itself to a broader understanding of the human mind, my passion.
I don't know what being on antibiotics for the potential three months will shovel forth, but I do miss life terribly. I hope to incorporate some shred of what I found through the soul-searching periods, which had mostly to do with social fear and the need for creative output. I try as I can, creating diagrams of brain function when I can't do anything else, but I do feel discouraged in regard to this. In order to live as I have, I have grown dependent upon creativity, on that which makes me feel alive. The pain of it, the frustration, and the love, are what I miss. Life is hard for me now, I am barren with lack-desire and it feels terribly couped up, jailed.
My mind is the source of this, a la such a rambling post. I didn't realize how much I missed this simple chatter, simple ways that I can make myself known in a voice more my own.