Ambien occasionally insights an actuality in opposition. I was up all night, drugged deep within the vortex of dish water defunctitude. Plans, making plans of lofty significance: a rooftop hideaway, a rich tapestry, a rug of resistance.
This is the pain that breaks you. This pain, this pain is the intimacy you crave. The illness is not your own, because it is an entity in and of itself. It is tangible through sensation, through the pervasive endurance of understanding, through the open quality of your intestinal tract, of your waning cognitive ability.
My mind thinks in busy work- four letter words to batter themselves, clinging to shreds of intersection without the linear quality of conscious thought. Dull, medicated emptiness is how I am thinking, now. Allure is how I thought, then, as allure may exist, did exist in terms of my personal withdrawal and need for the redundant pettiness of social security, of irrelevant hope.
Now I see why illness can become a networking device. I miss discussion terribly. Terribly, I discuss things with my own reflection.
A friend of mine left a book on my doorstep this morning, note attached:
I found this in my library and thought you would like to read it.
Cure Unknown it is called. I have heard of it, I have also seen it in my doctor's office. I read the chapters: Lyme/ Something about a Ring of Fire, and also: Counter Culture etc etc. Well written, ominous, and a tender gesture from a long time companion (she is shaped more as family to me, now, than friend).
I have support, now I want someone to help me break it. I want someone to stretch me, mentally. Intellect is the driving force of my solitude, now let the solitary navigate themselves. I want to be challenged again. I have the feeling the manner in which I think, occasionally, is an exercise in esoteric meaning I happen to be on the outskirts of. I don't understand my own mind, it is not entirely my own. Infected interest in Lyme through internal observance is also a rallied governance. I do not have an audience, for an audience is a human organism which may be calculated through understanding of etc etc.
It is a companion to me, in the form of affection. It is a constant, thorough reminder of rattled questioning.
I am now listening to these audiobooks in my spare time (I am living in sparsity):
1) The Fountainhead- Ayn Rand 2) Meditations on First Philosophy Something Squared- Decartes 3) Possibly The Sound and the Fury- Faulkner 4) New Moon- Stephanie Meyer (guilt, unabashedly so) 5) Trial and Death of Socrates- Plato
Keeping busy, mentally. This is what I think On the intellectual:
'The intellectual' as goal instead of title, or medium instead of stagnation upon a theme is something to be striven for, as opposed to reached. To achieve intellect, to question and observe objectively with whatever style of passion you prefer is a transitory goal. If I was a current intellectual, I would be dissatisfied. I would like to be an intellectual and I prefer to never reach such an attainment. The manner in which information is processed- through image to screen to light to vision- dictates the manner in which it is received. Television affords a different sort of understanding, of cognitive process, than information transferred through literary means. Words are visual, this is true, though they gift you the freedom of space. The photograph, though fragmented in reality, is an exercise in the definite. It is absurd to argue with the truth of the plain (though I simultaneously disagree with such a statement). The photograph is an undeniable reality made absolute. Much of media these days is simply entertainment, simply watch-able. It doesn't have to be 'good', in fact, the essence of television has little to do with quality. It's effectiveness rests in its ability to give you what you desire: brief, controlled escape from the grit of daily life. Do people want to 'think' actively when watching television, or would they rather let go of their minds for the sake of relief? Maybe the two are not in opposition, but in this case, they may be.
The written word, however, utilizes alternate aspects of the brain, seemingly, according to Al Gore. The reader is required, to use the creative ability of the mind in order to entertain sub-realities, be it science or fantasy. This usage is activity. I believe, on general terms, the reader is an active participant while the television audience passively accepts the emotional response the respective media device is asking it to feel. This is not always the case, though in my mind it is a general one.
During the formative years of the United States, the country remained dependent upon the word of the printing press as well as widespread literacy made possible through educational requirement. A prerequisite to taking part in the political conversation was understanding the context of the subject matter talked about, in essence, being well read. There was no alternate source. The difference between the printing press- which involves mental involvement and personal opinion (sparked by the nature of the brain and the manner it may process words, as mentioned above) and the televised news source (bent on entertaining the broadest audience possible as opposed to inspiring further thought and contemplation)- is paramount. It deeply effects the social discourse (the root of 'Democracy', aside from Capitalism, which is also linked to informational transference, but I'll save that for another day) and a society's ability to entertain thought as opposed to themselves.
The point: Observance and knowledge have become increasingly more important to me, in my current state (almost sadistic, considering waning brain capacity). From a society of intellectuals to a society of polarized reaction galvanized through an informational source bent on personal gain and it's own lucrative nature, it seems a little sad to watch the depletion. I also understand that I am not speaking from a place of objective observance, I am bent toward dislike on this subject. Much of the information I have gathered (on epistemology and similar kinds of study) has not been filtered through my own head, but the heads of Neil Postman, Chuck Klosterman, and Al Gore.
Anyway, not much of a point, yet, but my mind is fading and I must retire for now.