Sometimes I wish I was crazy. I wish I was all the things the people that don’t believe me have said. I have wish I was a hypochondriac or that I just wanted attention. I have wished all those things because they imply that I can make it stop whenever I want. That I control the pain. I am so desperate for relief that I’ve actually wished I was crazy… thats crazy.
Thing is… it’s absolutely insane for anyone to think I want this life.
pain clinic chic
I’ve had a pretty rough couple weeks and yesterday and today have been just about as worst as it can get. Yesterday, I had my first appointment at a pain clinic to figure out how to manage my pain. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be going (no one wants to go to a fucking pain clinic) but was surprising pleased when I got there and they agknowleged my pain. They had two different doctors examine me and along with deciding to start me in physical therapy they wanted me to see a pain phycologist. I’m really not into bio feedback and stuff like that because it doesn’t seem to work and when a phycologist tells me to “go to my happy place” it makes me rather angry. Anyway, I agreed to all of it. I also was hesitant but agreed to a spinal epidural that is supposedly suppose to help the extreme pain I’ve been having in my mid spine. I’ve done this procedure before (back in 2009) and it seemed to have helped than.
By this point I had been at the pain clinic since 10am and it was now noon but they couldn’t get me in for the epidural till 3 o’clock. This is where things started to go down hill. My pain was getting worse and worse and by the time they actually got me admitted and into the procedure room I was in significant pain (10 on the pain scale). My back was in full spasm, which wasn’t surprising to me since its been like that the past couple weeks. So now, I am laying on a table crying my eyes out and the nurses wont even take the time to learn my name because they are so busy trying to fit in as many people as possible, but thats a whole other issue I won’t get into. The doctor comes in and sticks a needle in my back that is in full spasm and is telling me to stop twitching (like I had a choice). Long story short, the procedure was sloppy and excruciating, it was way worse than when I had it done in 2009 and everything went smoothly.
So now I’m in “recovery”, which is just the lobby basically and the nurse gets me discharged and I’m upset and in more pain than I was before (which I didn’t think was possible). The nurse looks a little puzzled since the pain was suppose to be better right after because they “numb” your back first but didn’t care to do anything because her shift was almost over.
Have you ever felt every single individual nerve in your back spasm? I don’t recommend it.
It’s now 5 oclock and my dad has arrived to come pick me up. However, I was in so much pain that we decided that we wanted to talk to the doctor. So now we are in a room waiting, again, for the doctor to come in just to simply ask why I am in worse shape and when the injections will kick in. I’m still crying at this point and the doctor comes in with a list of medication that have been prescribed to me over the past year. AN ENTIRE YEAR. During which I had 2 major surgeries and a spinal tap/blood patch that went wrong. The doctors walks in and shoves this list in my face.
“You are an addict.”
At this point I am not even sure what he is talking about but it didn’t matter because they wouldn’t give me a chance to even explain. He proceeds to tell my I am addicted to pain killers due to all my prescriptions and that he cant help me with the pain because I am making it up. He also go’s a step further to say that I’m blaming it on lyme just because I want pain medications. Than go’s even further to say they want to test me to see if I have any cocaine or “street drugs” in my system. *SPEECHLESS.* Note that this is after he just stuck a needle in my back and earlier looked me in the eye and said I can see why you have pain, I see the spasm in your back.
Now, I am besides myself. Earlier that morning I was so willing to do whatever they said to get better. I agreed to pt and pain therapist and injections that I didn’t really want in the first place and after all that they want me to go to a rehab specialist and addiction therapist for an addiction that they are just assuming I have because they haven’t bothered to ask what the medications on that list were for. I’ve been sitting in their office all day and now its time for me to leave and they have probably only really spent 20 min with me and as I’m about to leave they are going to yell (not kidding, yell) at me and tell me I am a drug addict.
So now I’m home. Crying. My back is freaking the fuck out and I’m looking at the list of medications that apparently makes me an addict.
There are 20 medications on the list:
The first two are from when I had a cyst surgically carved out of the roof of my mouth. Not something anyone should go thru – I couldn’t eat for 3 weeks and had a hole on the top of my mouth.
The next four are for when they thought I had an ADHD problem and that’s why I was getting headaches. I don’t really consider ADD meds pain killers so I don’t know why they are on the list but you can become dependent on them. (Although, you could make the debate that I could become dependent on any type of medication)
Next are four drugs given to me during the same week when I had a spinal tap go wrong and they had to do an emergency blood patch in my back.
In september – november, I picked up 7 prescriptions of pain medication because I was having horrible herxing and they didn’t want me in the hospital. Each of these medications had no more that 3 days worth of meds.
Now we are into december where I was prescribed pain medication before and after my gallbladder was cut out of my body because I had painful gallstones.Now, I don’t know about you but none of that looks like addict like behavior to me. In fact, if the doctor would of just given me the time of day to explain or even if he even read it because I know he just saw a long list and freaked than I wouldn’t be sitting here trying to figure out how he could of possibly came to the conclusion that I am in fact a drug addict.
It’s late and I’m tired and haven’t slept and my back is swollen and in spasm and I am a crazy cocaine addict. *Not laughing* Seriously, can’t I ever get a break?!
Off to dreamland hopefully, I pray that your day was better than mine.