can i live in hell yet still see God?
how do i watch my child's endless suffering and still see God as good?
He is just
He is good
some days, i find that hard to believe
what about the mother who prayed for her child's healing?
what is in her heart, her mind, her soul
as she lays her sweet baby to rest?
lays to rest in the cold, harsh earth
such a benign term for the most unnatural finality
my child lives
i praise God for his life
but at what cost?
he lives an unearthly existence
i cannot see
i spit furor at what my eye sees
i'm on my knees
face flat on floor
sobbing, begging, roaring, pleading
heal my child, Lord
my baby lays crumpled on the floor
a writhing heap of endless suffering
a childhood lost
innocence squashed under the punishing blows of unseen forces
God, today, my boy told me he doesn't think You love him
my very being collapsed within me
i cradle my crumpled, sobbing, endlessly aching child
i hold him tight
i weep, i cry, i grieve that he must wrestle with feeling abandoned by you
my fevered brain, my scorched heart, my sinking soul
searches for answers with finite mind
seeks for the truth amid twisted feelings
i seek to see for him, for me,
i do not see the purpose
i do not see the plan
i question "this plan"
how can this even be "the plan"?
then a vision shifts into view
i see a cross
a crumpled, broken body
"my God, my God, why have you abandoned me?"
God's own son knows our pain
slain for our gain
God's plan for our greater good
oh how He loves us
He loves you
He love me
He loves my son
with an infinite love too consuming for finite mind to comprehend
the answer is Jesus
there was a plan
there is a plan
even when it remains unseen
i watch expectantly
one day we will see