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Inflict

Posted Mar 02 2013 4:19pm
And now, I'm mad.
Why all of a sudden have I become the bull's eye, enshrouded in the red rings that I must climb from. This. Is more like. Bullshit.

When I look at my body now, all I see is sophisticated pain, something learned in order to keep itself alive. I see my stomach bloated to such an extreme that I look pregnant with my first born. More like tick borne. I see my face absolutely pelted with acne. I see teeth so twirked that I can only chew with two sets. I see "stretch marks" simply appearing, all over my body. I see circular rashes, pustules, black heads, peeling skin, red quakes, over the entirety of my body. I want it to stop, and stop now. I'm sick of watching my youth waste away as if it were brackish tap water rolling drain ward. As if it weren't precious to me. Nothing has this disease driven home more than my lack of immortality.

I will die someday and this all will be worth nothing.

I'm sick of feeling like I am a 90 year old woman. I'm sick of being misunderstood. I'm sick of the perpetual shocks that come with alternative healing and life thereafter. I want to be normal. I want to be safe and no matter how hard I try, it breaks me. Then I rebuild. I'm sick of having to do that.

My friends don't get it. My therapist doesn't get it. My psychiatrist barely understands at this point. Only those who have experienced first or second hand have even a chance of understanding what this is.

I wish I could walk away, but I know that I can't.

There is no choice. In anything.

If I want to get better, this is the only road. Braces, opiod detox, dental splints, 35 pound weight gain from psych meds, inability to exercise, loss of hair, excruciating shots, IVs, antibiotics, psychosis, near death excursions, panic attacks and the underlying anxiety, etc.

I feel like this disease has stolen my youth. And honestly? I don't feel prepared to do anything about it.
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