These past three months, ones in which Zyprexa has taken a firm hold, I have gained fifty pounds above my goal weight. It is bothersome to the point of solitude. The only things forcing me to leave the house are doctor's appointments and a need to see something other than beige.
I am now on both a low dose of Abilify and a high dose of Zyprexa, weening off slowly, carefully, and with a dastardly need to restart my current circumstance. I have calculated, if all remains smooth (when does it ever), in three weeks time I will be free of the bitter pill.
The maligning factor of this algebra is my inability to isolate the variable. I am brain scanning, mapping, and electrically altering with daily treatments at my clinic. Thus, I do not know why I am feeling this. Is it....
1) From the brain mapping itself? If it can change my brain certainly it can change my mind.
2) Is the brain mapping exacerbating the symptoms of my current cocktail? It has been known to happen...
3) Is it from the Abilify itself?
4) Is it an interaction between the Abilify and Zyprexa?
So now, my pet has been peeved and it insists on making itself known. But soft- what pray tell is this? A glimmer of hope or confusion? I feel...is it numb? Or is it mildness? It seems as if some aspect of my deluge is what some might call- nice. Nice. To feel none other than. It confuses me. I am used to earth shattering emotion- negative of course- but something to make me feel alive. I've uncovered a tendency in myself to hope for the pain that drowns out the boredom. I would rather have- to an extent- pain than discomfort. Pain makes me feel present, however excruciating. So, this is a symptom stranger still. I feel a quiet core uncovered, something soft. I don't know if I like it.
For those wanting to know more of how to remove oneself from one anti psychotic to another:
Every seven days, raise your dose of Abilify by 1/2 in the morning (I am beginning with 2 mg pills) and 1/2 at night while simultaneously lowering your Zyprexa by 1/4 midday (using 10 mg pills) and 1/4 at night. If you notice your symptoms returning, re-enable your dose of Zyprexa until they pass and talk to your doctor.
Today marks my seventh Brain Biofeedback/Mapping session of twenty. I have noticed a greater ability to focus, also shards of memories are coming back to me. Images of my youth and yonder fill my skull where the sad emotion used to. It is mind enthralling. I don't know how I rendered myself through treatment without memory for living through them provides a life when there is none. Great changes are afoot- my symptoms of discomfort have nearly vanished and my bodily pain is reduced. Only good, aside from the short term symptoms, has come of this. I have two more sessions until the electrodes and frequency are altered to adjust my ever deteriorating ocular internalization. My eyesight may come back to me in full.