The past couple of days I have found myself descending into a valley of negativity. I am using alot of "D" words to define my life. Disappointment......discouragement......depression......
Along with these "D" feelings, anger has taken up residence. I have been wallowing in a pool of self-pity and really don't feel like climbing out yet. I feel justified which does not mean that I am. I just am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired...I am tired of getting back up after life knocks me down one more time...I am exhausted from trying to cope with the changes that have occurred, and continue to occur in my life. I want more~ not just for myself but for my husband too. I want more health, I want more time with my husband, I want to laugh more, I want to see and hear from my children more, I want more time to hold and play with my grandchildren, I want to be able to leave my house for reasons other than trips to the doctor, and I want more of our problems resolved. I want to be somebody else.
Looking back is disappointing....being in the present moment is depressing....and looking ahead is discouraging.
When I look back I have regrets ~ I am disappointed in myself and how my life has turned out.
Living in the "now" is difficult. I feel awful much of the time, I am housebound and mostly on my sofa or in bed, and my health issues have drained both my husband and me emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically. Is this really what God thinks is best for us? It is depressing to say the least.
Looking ahead I don't see anything getting better. For years we have said things would get better. My health would improve, we would be able to travel again, have the family visit more often, and enjoy what most people take for granted in their lives. But I am discouraged as these hopes are all on hold. I have been treading water for so long with hope, and I really don't find myself any closer to shore or to being rescued.
Today is a bad day. Yesterday was a bad day....and the day before. I am descending into a place I am not comfortable with, but I am not sure I have the energy to stop it. So today I will lay in it and not fight it. I will feel sorry for myself and wonder if "this is all there is?". And I will try to find just enough hope to get me to a better place tomorrow.
Along with these "D" feelings, anger has taken up residence. I have been wallowing in a pool of self-pity and really don't feel like climbing out yet. I feel justified which does not mean that I am. I just am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired...I am tired of getting back up after life knocks me down one more time...I am exhausted from trying to cope with the changes that have occurred, and continue to occur in my life. I want more~ not just for myself but for my husband too. I want more health, I want more time with my husband, I want to laugh more, I want to see and hear from my children more, I want more time to hold and play with my grandchildren, I want to be able to leave my house for reasons other than trips to the doctor, and I want more of our problems resolved. I want to be somebody else.
Looking back is disappointing....being in the present moment is depressing....and looking ahead is discouraging.
When I look back I have regrets ~ I am disappointed in myself and how my life has turned out.
Living in the "now" is difficult. I feel awful much of the time, I am housebound and mostly on my sofa or in bed, and my health issues have drained both my husband and me emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically. Is this really what God thinks is best for us? It is depressing to say the least.
Looking ahead I don't see anything getting better. For years we have said things would get better. My health would improve, we would be able to travel again, have the family visit more often, and enjoy what most people take for granted in their lives. But I am discouraged as these hopes are all on hold. I have been treading water for so long with hope, and I really don't find myself any closer to shore or to being rescued.
Today is a bad day. Yesterday was a bad day....and the day before. I am descending into a place I am not comfortable with, but I am not sure I have the energy to stop it. So today I will lay in it and not fight it. I will feel sorry for myself and wonder if "this is all there is?". And I will try to find just enough hope to get me to a better place tomorrow.