If you are a follower of my blogs, you know by now that I am an emotional person, with a dramatic flare, who uses the written word to express her mind and heart openly. I made that commitment to myself when I began this blog. I want to be able to be honest here in the hope that it will help others on their journeys with chronic illness. There are times I want to go back and erase what I have written because it is too raw and real, but I have not. What you read here is my reality, and also a glimpse of what I am going through as I struggle to balance my fight with illness and my desire to live a good life.
As I have looked back at my writings over the past few weeks I have noticed that my emotions have been all over the board. When I go down, I go down hard, and when I go up I soar. This does not apply to just my emotions, but to my thoughts and my physical symptoms too. From information I have gathered, it seems to be connected to my treatment for Bartonella and Lyme. I have been on a roller coaster ride! The only steady source for me has been my faith. At times I may question God, but I can always depend on Him. Today I was listening to a sermon on being a champion, and these words grabbed my attention. “The Power of God holds you up and pulls you through”. That is my prayer today. “God, hold me up and pull me through because I do not have the strength to move forward without You in the lead.” He never fails to send me support.
I have been trying to figure out “how I got here AGAIN”. When I do this kind of reflecting I tend to criticise myself for not being strong enough, disciplined enough, or wise enough to manage my illnesses and make good decisions that will help be get better. Not very productive. I need a more objective approach.
I have what I consider the best information available to me through books, fellow CFS/Lyme friends, and my doctors. I have the support of my sweet husband and a few family members and friends. The foundation of my life is in my God and for me that is crucial. I believe that having this cushion of support is what helps me to get back up, dust off my knees, and try again. I have realized that I need to support myself in this endeavor also.
Lately, my Lyme/Bartonella symptoms have been increasing and overwhelming me. Thanks to CFS Warrior’s and Joel’s gentle reminders, I can acknowledge that I am also going through emotional herxing while the bacteria dies off in my brain. When this happens I need to remind myself that I have neurological late stage lyme disease and it is my illness “talking” not the real me. Lyme can really do a number on our body, mind, and emotions. It is a blessing when I have people like Joel and Terri who bring this back into focus for me.
Today I was given a couple more reminders to help me along the way. My practitioner talked with me on the phone and suggested I try to change my mindset and instead of looking at this as my battle against lyme and its friends, that I let the antibiotics I take fight the war. Fighting a war takes alot of energy and produces alot of negaive energy. Maybe my mindset should be to do what I can to help my body and the antibiotics to do their best job in healing me. I believe in the mind body connection so this made sense to me. I don't need to carry around a weapon to fight with as I stated in the precious post. That is what the antibiotics are doing for me. I also need to bring other positive treatments into my protocol which will support the work of the antibiotics and my immune system. It all really connected for me and acutally gave me a sense of relief when I reflected on what my practitioner had to say.
My doctor also has been in touch with me a couple of times and did inform me that I am on a high risk medicine so she is being extra careful with tuning in to my symptoms and how to manage them. I guess if she is being gentle with me and my limitations, I can too.
So, I have learned something BIG in this place I find myself, and my focus will be spent mostly on how to give my body what it needs to heal while managing the side effects of the medicine and the die off. I have quite a team for myself and it feels great. I have God to hold me up and pull me through the tough times, a doctor who is wise and caring, a practitioner who uses her intuition and abilities for the best results, a husband who supports me all the way, and family and friends who pray, encourage, and cheer me on. And last but not least, I have myself ~ my intution, my strength, my courage, and my choices. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing."