In all honesty, I often struggle with whether I am going to beat this disease. Then, other times, I am determined that I will. I have a vision of the day that I wake up and realize that it is all over. The sun is beaming all around me, and I feel light and happier that I have ever been. The problem is that I don't know how valid my vision is and if it is valid, how far ahead of me that day is.
Yesterday, I was having a bad day, or shall I refer to it as a "challenging day" in attempt to change my perspective on it? But no matter how you refer to it, it just STUNK! My bladder hurt from the time I got up to the time I fell asleep. I was questioning my treatment and diagnosis, wondering if I possibly have a BLO (Bartonella-Like Organism) or if I truly have Bartonella. So of course, I went on the internet to get a better idea and understanding. The problem is that I often get more frustrated due to all the conflicting information on the web. LLMD doctors don't often agree how to treat Lyme and co-infections. There is a book recently published, the Top Ten Lyme Disease Treatments, that shares how ten doctors each treat their Lyme patients. There is even information on the web of how to treat Lyme with bee venom. Hey! Don't put it past me to try it! The physicians who use this treatment make it sound promising, but then, doesn't it all?
I try to explain to my loved ones that I have bad days, but I have better days, too. Unfortunately the bad days often outweigh the better ones, but when one of those "better days" comes along, I thank God for it. What I struggle with is that I never have a "good day". My good days would be a healthy person's bad day. A "good day" to me would be very little or no pain and having normal bladder function. . . not worrying if I am going to be able to urinate. . . not behaving as if I am feeling well when everything in my body is screaming. People don't often see on the outside the anguish I feel on the inside. This young vibrant spirit trapped in this broken, painful body.
Everyday, I wake up and hope that the day will be a better one. There is always hope for a better day, and at the end of each day, I have to continue to turn to God and hope for many "good days" ahead.