It may be taboo for me to say change is hard to accept; but either way the cookie crumbles most can agree that it's usually Facebook that often tests our limits when it comes to accepting new adjustments. As far as I'm concerned if it ain't broke it doesn't need fixing!
Recognize your strength!
Today's thoughts were fueled by the most recent change to occur on Facebook; the timeline. It's a nifty tool which will roll out later this month that allows you to view your entire profile page dating all the way back from when you first joined many years ago.
Now for some this would be a joyous adventure ride to their younger years; for me it's more like a sharp serrated knife stabbed five inches into my face...of my much healthier glory days.
See; I thought I had come to terms with being diagnosed with systemic lupus. I have told myself countless times that two years of enjoying friends, parties, and travelling were more than enough for me. I've reasoned that since I have had such great experiences that I needn't be upset about my diagnosis because I lived a helluva lot in my short amount of years.
So why then did a few clicks through old status updates, pictures, and parties leave me feeling barren, cold, lonely, forgotten and cheated out of a life that has yet to be lived fully.
Why do I now second guess myself when I believed I had come to terms with the different sort of happiness of my current self? Sadly I cannot claim to be all alone in my wretched emotions; there are countless others who feel as if they too were robbed of life, dreams, and years that have yet to be fulfilled. Am I wrong?
The Facebook timeline may have shoved me onto the torturous rocky shores that is reliving my past but somehow I feel this "issue" was always lurking in the midst of my subconscious like a forgotten chapter of a book I thought I had already read, and I'm freaking scared! Boot shaking, face whitening, don't look in that dark corner cause there's a ghost in your closet scared.
Perhaps this is all just a part of my healthcare journey with lupus. I keep forgetting I'm only two years post diagnosis and I've a long way to go before my time is done. Really, I'm just a "baby" in lupus terms.
A loving reminder that I'm glorious and that glitter can still be found even on gloomy days by my lupie sister Melinda helped poke me in the right direction. My sister Nicole tells me that I'm looking for my pre-diagnosis friends to accept the new me as confirmation that lupus hasn't taken my luminous shine which will also be validation to me that my glory days aren't over yet. Truth.
I think they're both godsend and I'm blessed to be in their presence. Truly.
I'm yet reminded that life with lupus won't be full of endless clear skies and sunshine. There will be plenty of storm clouds, rainy moments, frigid blizzards, and scorching dryness on the lupus life forecast. However, I must continue to remind myself that every cloud has a silver lining if only we continued to get back up after we've fallen; for that is what defines us as warriors. Each tear we shed tears is a mark of strength because we had the courage to express our emotions!
The fact is you are not alone and neither am I. Together we each experience life at our own speed; illness may be the roller-coaster which we ride continuously, but we do NOT ride it alone. The relationships we forge online in our patient communities like Twitter and Facebook are REAL. They are true tangible friendships that have more than just lupus in common. We share compassion, kindness, empathy, trust, love, and more importantly genuine support.
I have traveled a long way in the last two years and I refuse to let my pre-diagnosis days and/or lupus make a mockery out of the person I am today. I am strong; a warrior who when fallen gets back on her feet and eventually tries again. The fact that we refuse to remain fallen is what transforms each of our scars into medals of strength. So dust off those shoulders loves; bare those teeth and clench those fists in the air and claim your power. There is no need to relive the past because our GLORY DAYS are now and it's up to us to make sure they are freaking glorious!
So if you find yourself falling into a familiar pit of self loathing and questioning your strength perhaps it's time to check your gauges and adjust your sparkle level. It simply means you're running low on glitter; time to restock!