...Pain, frustration, tears. Does it end?I look around and feel alone.No one to hold me, remind me its okay, that i'm safe.That the pain will pass.Seconds tick, minutes tock, hours form days that dig ditches of emptyness.
My mind is in constant turmoil, I can no longer understand my thoughts.Are they even my own? What the FCUK am I feeling!?My thoughts feel tarnished by prednisone, polluted by methotrexate,and influenced by lupus.
I feel helpless, dependent on others. Where is my backbone?Where is the 'me' BEFORE the diagnosis?
Each pill I swallow rips a piece, poisons a part of me.Why can't I remember a day once its passed? Why isit so hard to recall my favorite memories, where has it all gone?
Then there is the truth; I have become a burden.How long will it last? When will they tire of me?Are the smiles even real, I want to know their true thoughts.They say it doesn't matter how long a person has been a friend,that it only matters that they never leave, that thats how you knowa true friend...
Yes, I've lost some from the very beginning. But how long will therest last? It's only been eight months and I'm overwhelmed myself!
I cannot even fathom living entire YEARS like this. Constantly feelinglike a burden to everyone I cross paths with. None but my lupies cantruly feel me, know, understand my pain in all its complexity.
My thoughts are NOT my own.I want to remember, but I forget.Happiness? Yes, that! Where is it?
What does a lupie have to do to receive such a blessing?Where art thou happiness?
Then comes anger. How can anyone disregard lupus? Or dismiss itas something that isn't serious? Are you so ignorant that you won't educate yourself?
For an entire MONTH I could NOT walk.I could not move an inch without feeling as if my mind would shatterfrom the pain. My tears were endless. I had become an invalid. Incapableof doing for myself. I could not get to the bathroom, let alone use it without help.How many hours I weeped because someone had forgotten I hadn't eaten lunch;or that I had not yet been taken to the bathroom...
NO ONE can tell me lupus isn't real, or that something i'm feeling isn't happening.That a symptom i'm experiencing isn't from lupus.FCUK YOU!I can't even begin to eununciate exactly how I feel, pain, frustration, stress.Over a disease that has NO CURE, doctors have NO idea where it even comes from.& I have to figure out how to live WITH it.
To paste a smile on my face so that all the "normal healthy" people can feel comfortablearound the "sick girl". I alone have to find the strength each day to be happy despite my feelings of darkness.
and secretly, after hours of attempting sleep. right before my lids finally close I wish for it all to end.
I'm tired. Tired of trying to be strong. I don't have endless strength.I want to fade into the darkness, release you from my burden. Release me.
Is there no onewho can make me a promise?Promise, to never let go, to hold on when I want to give up.To wipe my tears when I can't keep them in. To never leaveme alone in the darkness. Ever.
...I didn't think so.
Even amongst the darkness there can be light, hold my hand lovies & lets face it together. Sharing our pain may not be easy but it is necessary in order to heal. <3 Stay Strong, we may stumble, shed tears, but we must NEVER give in!