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Lupus and Death

Posted Dec 30 2009 8:47am
This is a photo of Grandfather Gillens when we were at a family reunion in Myrtle Beach, SC. It was a great time. My husband was with me and we just enjoyed being with each other very much. My Aunt Rose helped to get the whole thing up and running. I was grateful to be a part of the whole affair. The only time I was sad was when all the grandchildren would get up to make comments about the great grandparents, who were alive until the late nineties. If I had known the truth about my family, I could have known them, and perhaps I would have had a great memory of my own to recount. I went home over the holiday to spend time with Mother Rachel, my father and Grandmother Gillens. This was her first holiday without Big Papa. She tried to put that beautiful smile on for us, but I could see the sadness in her eyes, especially when we went to visit the cemetery. I asked my Cousin Frankie to take me there so that I could see where they buried Grandfather. When he passed away in June, it was the same time that my Brother-in-law, Leon passed away. I was so numb and so ill by it all, that I didn't have the strength to go with the family to bury my Pop Pop. Besides, I had a raging fever, and it was about 96 degrees that day. I just couldn't bear it. All through the service, I kept praying that I wouldn't pass out! After the funeral, Delois came back to the house with me, and I slept for about 6 hours straight. Even when I woke up, I wasn't hungry. I was to upset to eat. I had some water and drove back to Columbia with Delois. Well, on this trip, I got a chance to spend some time with my Dad, just talking and making each other laugh. He tries to put his best foot forward as well. The loss of his brother and father is daunting, but life has to go on. I got a chance to meet a friend of his. She seemed to be nice. Even though I wished that we had more time together, I know he needs his social life. I enjoyed him as well, but began to miss Andrew too much. I got on the road Sunday night and drove until I felt tired. I pulled over at a restaurant, got some food, slept and then got back on the road. I didn't know that I could miss anyone that much. I just needed to be here for him. I could feel him getting lonely, even though he wouldn't go into details over the phone. He felt that he didn't want to take me away from my family. I felt guilty for being away for so long. It took me nearly a day and a half to feel rested and like myself again. We're all caught up and comfortable again.Life is not easy, always trying to reconcile and divide my time fairly with family, friends, and Andrew. He's not one to be selfish, or ask for much of anything, but I don't want to neglect him in any way. I would just die if I ever knew I hurt him. He doesn't deserve that. Besides the deaths of Grandfather and Leon, this year has had an overall good impact on my life. Living with Andrew and being in love makes life easier and really worth it. Remember to Live Well and Love Your Lupie!

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