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AGHHHHH! cancer, stress and life.....

Posted Aug 23 2008 11:43pm
Well, the last few months have been loooong.

My dad was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer around April. This past Thursday he had bladder removed. My heart breaks for him. To see someone you love helpless sucks but my Dad is still smiling and fighting, He amazes me.

We won't know for about a week, if he will need Chemo or not or if they got everything. There have been so many people praying, I feel it all day long.

I didn't grow up with my Dad, I hired a P.I. to find him about 9 years ago, the meeting went well and the rest is history.

The week before his surgery we were both kinda frustrated. He was trying to tell about 2 Siblings I haven't met because my Dad has been married a few times and I felt the it wasn't fair people again were popping in my life and at this point I didn't think i could handle it. I have my life the way I want it right now and it's important I have consistency. I think i forgot that since I am sick and that is a consistent in my life, it isn't for him, he is scared and knows he has made his mistakes in the past and knows he can't go back and fix them but its all been forgiven. I think we were both right and both wrong. He has never been sick in his life, I can't imagine.

I worry about him, I worry I will lose him. I am sad I didn't have him most of my life and I am sad that even if I did, he wouldn't have been the Dad I needed. I don't think we would have a relationship today if we met any sooner....

I feel cheated.....

His wife has been a nightmare pretty much for the entire thing, she handles stress by nagging, complaining and with nasty remarks. We all deal with things in our own way. At this point I hate dealing with her and we basically aren't speaking. If your not on her side, she will make things difficult ( i won't bore with all the details).

With this knowledge I try to remember all my shortcomings and all the times mercy was given to me when I didn't deserve it, but I also am trying to figure out the boundaries, how to stick up for myself and my siblings, while trying not to scream and yell at her... this is about my Dad ( my confession, I haven't been great at this, I haven't been the bigger person at all times)

God will have to work this out.

My Body is pumping with ADRENALIN and I am sure when I come down from all this stress I am gonna have a flare on top of a flare, so I am trying to remain calm :)

When I can afford it, I need to take a yoga class.

This did get me to thinking about other areas in my life that I thought were so horrible. I look back at them and can see my blessings, the family I did grow up with, the way i way provided for, my friends-who are my family, how far I have come and where I could have ended up. The things I take for granted and all the things that were meant for bad, that God turned around for good.
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