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Colonic Hydrotherapy and Colon Cleansing; Time to Bend Over?

Posted Dec 11 2011 6:00am
Garden Hoses in Assorted Colors

A few times each month, a patient asks me for my opinion on colonics. They ask me because I am a gastroenterologist, and I am supposed to know this stuff. After 2 decades of performing colonic intrusions, I should be well qualified to respond to these alimentary inquiries.

To those who are unfamiliar with the concept of colonic detoxification, I offer a brief rationale of the procedure. Those who have been lured into the Fraternal Association of Rare Toxins (acronym not provided) have been persuaded that stagnant stool within the colon is a source of toxins that seep into the body causing disease. According to the anti-toxin crowd, when stool overstays its colonic welcome, it can lead to chronic fatigue, lassitude, restlessness, irritability, mood disorders, skin rashes, arthritis, cardiac rhythm disturbances, seizures, allergies, dementia and the murky diagnosis of candidiasis, or yeast infection. This symptom list could apply to half of my medical practice. So far, I've never prescribed a colonic to any of these sufferers. Have I been medically negligent to withhold this treatment from them?  Could a plaintiff attorney accuse me for failure to cleanse?

This is a scary symptom list, which is only a partial listing of the maladies attributed to a slothful colon. Patients reading through these symptoms, might be inclined to use a garden hose for an unintended purpose. Amateurs, however, are strongly advised not to do try this at home. Leave it to the professionals, who are trained to separate you from your stool and you from your money. They succeed on both counts.

To assist you in your research efforts, be aware that there are various names for colonics. Let the Googling begin.

  • Colonic cleansing
  • Colonic hydrotherapy
  • Colonic irrigation
  • High colonics
  • Wallet cleansing
Then names may change, but the mission doesn’t. The objective is to get the colon toxins out. The motto of the Society of Hydrotherapists Investigating Toxins (acronym not provided)  is, Don’t just die, detoxify!
When health care reform gets underway in a few years, and doctors are on salary working supervised by government bureaucrats, I’ll need a side job to make a living. The colon can again be my pathway to success, particularly as colonscopy becomes obsolete. I’ll need a niche as the colonics competition will be fierce, from out-of-work gastroenterologists who will be on the street corner with a sign that reads, Will Do Colonic for Food. However, it won’t be enough to offer routine colonics to gain a foothold in the marketplace. I will need to provide a Bionic Colonic, or perhaps a Supersonic Colonic to turn a profit. Of course, there will be family discounts and volume pricing. Kids under 12 will be half-price. Tuesdays will be Ladies Night. Pets? Endless possibilities.

A year ago, I was worried that health care reform legislation, if it became law, would erode my livelihood. More wiser now, I realize health care reform will be a fountain of opportunities for resourceful physicians. For this gastroenterologist, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
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