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'Twas the Night Before Christmas @ Dialysis
Posted Dec 24 2008 10:39pm
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the clinic,
Everyone was cleansing, even the cynics.
The filters were hung by the machines with such care,
That woman in Chair Thirteen should really use Nair.
When from the Isolation Room, there arose such a clatter,
Was Clinically Obese Woman suddenly getting fatter?
Santa barreled in drunk and confused, smelling of pee,
I stopped him and asked, "Where's my new kidney?"
"You're here, being treated, boy, that really sucks.
According to my calculations, you're totally fucked."
He tried to fondle Raven Haired Tech, he was such a wreck,
She plastered her fist and he hit the deck.
"There's blood, and gauze, and it smells of bean farts!
That chick in Chair Three is quite the little tart!"
The patients had enough, so did the staff.
Our patience for Santa had been cut in half.
He stumbled to his feet, coughed up & screamed, "Hey fuckers!"
"All of you people are totally suckers!"
"No kidneys! No salty food! No soda or fruit!"
I suddenly realized the holiday had turned Santa into a coot.
He righted himself and placed his finger inside of his nose.
Moments later, his forehead furrowed.
"I'm thirsty! I'm nauseous! Give me a beer!"
As the nurse approached, I could see his fear.
His demeanor changed, he was cuddly as a bear.
The nurse led him to his very own, Dialysis chair.
He needed treatment, he was sick, he was out of his mind.
Instead of eight reindeer, he was one of our kind.
The needles were hard to insert because Santa is so fat.
Years of cookies and milk can tend to do that.
"Cholestoral, 330. BUN, 45."
It was any wonder, that Santa was still alive.
Halfway through treatment, he screamed, "Keep up the fight!"
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
He then vomited blood all over the tech's shiny white coat.
He passed out later, and that's all she wrote.
To my fellow brethren at Dialysis, thank you for your care.
It means so much, that you're actually there.
It's quiet and lonely, my family I miss.
Deservedly so, I'm all alone this Christmas.
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