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Stacy's Dictatorial Rules of Dialysis

Posted Feb 13 2011 10:25pm
Deplorable masses of protoplasm soaking up government checks with giggly abandon.

Former meth heads and miscreants whose kidneys are presently shriveled, lifeless mush.

Soulless criminals who dribble piss on our borders; the only English they speak being, "You pay, you pay."

The following rules are created in response to your lack of composure as fellow human beings.

Stacy's Dictatorial Rules of Dialysis

1) Food is Forbidden

Extra large bags of Lays Potato Chips. Super jumbo sized containers of Cheetos. Massively long cold cut subs dripping of mayonaisse, dipped in sour cream, and lathered with Crisco.

I shuffle by, running on the fumes of another afternoon of vomiting the remainder of my soul into another compassionless commode. Bits of Spicy Corn Nuts with Extra Ranch Dressing spit from your lips into a once sterile environment as you whine that the clinic chairs are too damn small.

You just ate dinner forty-five minutes ago, but spending three hours without shoveling processed this and over saturated that into your gullet would be too much to wish for.

You're the reason the clinic smells like rancid baby poop and tainted bean farts every single illustrious night I push myself into this rectangular rectal smorgasborg.

So fuck you and your government paid snacks. Food is forbidden.

2) Toilet Privledges

Dialysis is the lowest common denominator of obesity in this country. But there is one step lower. And its nearly as vile and tasteless.

Laziness. The latest export of America.

I'm a creature of habit whose OCD must be fed by the warm embrace of routine.

That's why I'm too mindless to squeeze out a few squirts of Stacy Flavored Urine before I begin my trek to the Tedious Tyrannical Toilet of Hell.

Every single treatment I open the door to Dialysis' dirty little cousin and find a friend waiting for me.

Slimy crap. Chunky manure. Fickle feces that couldn't decide between the wall or the bowl.

Sometimes its decorated with an equally soiled strand of toilet paper peaking out from the middle.

If I discover another lapse in taking your bulbous fingers and failing to push a lever 3/4 of an inch in a downward motion, you're losing a phalange.

That's right. During my reign, I'm going medievel on your lazy ass.

3) Body Exposure

Whatever happened to Shame in this country? Did Congress vote it out along with Personal Responsibility and Common Sense?

All of a sudden, these all-American traits were whisked away to America of the Past, never to be heard or seen again during the last limping years of this once great empire.

Wife beater shirts exposing the marvels of foot long armpit hair. Bulbous sored feet swarming with maggots. Shorty short shorts that don't cover your Shorty Short Short (if you catch my drift.)

I glance back at photos in classic Life magazine of an era gone by when you wouldn't think of leaving your home without dressing properly.

Today its a free for all, burning corneas and frightening children.

Dress properly or no treatment. I can't place it any plainer than that.

4) Guests Are Prohibited

Your Uncle Sal is scratching his balls directly across from me while you Dialyze. Your Sister Fran is screaming play-by-play moments of your treatment into her cell phone. Your two dim-witted and incredibly obese (future Dialysis patient?) children are playing the Up-and-Down game in one of the empty clinic chairs. Your Brother Enid won't stop complaing about the fact that there's no porn on the digital cable.

Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now. You. Fucking. Basket. Cases.

All of the previous individuals (the names of which were changed to protect the IQ-depleted) have visited my clinic. And all are now banned.

If your personal Dialysis patient needs help, you're allowed to enter and help them get their shit together. Once that's done, your excuse yourself and don't return until we call you.

5) Personal Composure

"We the patients of Dialysis, in order to form a more Perfect clinic, establish personal Conduct, insure clinic Tranquility, provide for the common Decency, promote the general welfare of the Patients, and secure the blessings of Calm to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Consitution of the Dialysis Clinic of America."

Failure to recite this mantra and follow it implicitly will result in your ouster from our clinic.

These are Stacy's Dictatorial Rules of Dialysis as of this day, February 13, 2011.

Thank you and good night.
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