Going to list some basic things that I think might let you know who I am and how I act.
My name is Justine. I just gained a certificate in college and became a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant). I wanted to move on and get a job and start feeling like I was doing something with my life. In September, I moved to the city from a small country town in KS. I was starting to feel depressed, anxious and have always been insecure / unsure of everything and everyone (especially myself) since I was around 14.
I was homeschooled since 2004 and graduated with a 4.0 in 2009. It had it's advantages, seeing as I could learn whatever I wanted in addition to regular school subjects and do as much work passed regulation as I wanted. But the downside to this is that I had no sport program, gym, or anything of the sort. I had to make my own exercise schedule up and never got the chance to join any real sports or activities with the other teens around me. I also had two friends total since it was such a small town (who at this time went to public school and had really little time for me and thought I was strange) and not many chances to see any others my age.
I grew up with one sister, two years older than me. She was always out with friends or doing something fun. Things I was afraid of doing. She was 100 times smarter than I was and beautiful. Everyone loved her smile, the way she acted and that a pretty girl like her was so smart. I got the short end of all of it, as I see. I'm average looking, not happy enough to be smiling all the time and have to study and study hard to be a success. I feel like an inferior shadow all the time. My sister is now in OH, continuing her nursing school and her military boyfriend just proposed to her. She'll be getting married next year.
I try to act confident and smile when I meet people. I say Hi, I try to get into conversations with people but turns out that people don't like me much. I don't know why- they never say. I just know that people don't often ask to be my friend, they don't want to hang out with me, I've never been hit on by anyone. I've always been the one to step up and say I like you and many times get treated like an idiot for doing so. I'm a very honest person and I seem to love everyone. I get hurt often. People I think are my friends, who I get to know and talk to... one day I'll find out are just hanging out with me because they have nobody else to talk to.
I feel very much alone. I feel unwanted and used.. allot.
Even in my job, which I do very well to my knowledge. I feel like people are always looking at me strange- or when I try to talk with my coworkers like they all talk to each other and get along, they say I'm nosey or I end of feeling like the center of a joke they all like to laugh about when I walk away, discouraged.
I don't show my insecurities to people I know, not even my parents. The only person I've JUST began to trust and start to show my feelings to is a guy I met about a year ago. Unfortunately I'm insecure in our relationship too- jealous of people he hangs out with and I feel bad about it. I don't want him to think I don't trust him.... it's everyone else that I don't trust.
I often start to feel paranoid or scared at points.. my anxiety and stress and paranoia and depression all come together and crush me. Not usually for any particular reason- just sometimes I will feel short of breath and my chest gets tight to the point it brings tears to my eyes. I turn into a little baby, crying and hyperventilating for no reason at all.... and even while I'm thinking "What's happening? Why am I feeling this way? It was a good day, wasn't it?"
I don't know why I'm this way- I just am. But I did get one thing, against all the others. I got my common sense. When I get depressed, I can tell myself what is reasonable...... what I SHOULD NOT do or what I should do. I can say, "Don't let this stop your life. Get out of bed, go exercise, go to work.." or tell myself, nothing brought this on, you didn't do anything wrong and you don't have anything to be depressed about right now... so why lay here, why not go on a walk or take the dog to the park?"
Thank God for the ability to reason and be reasoned with.
I know this all seems like a jumbled mess... but it's just how it came into my mind and it's all I could think of at this time.
I don't mind being asked questions, you can ask for a little more backround if you want- within reason. You can just talk to me...I love talking and don't often get the chance, but like talking about allot of things that aren't... me.
So that's it I guess.