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Sometimes, it just does not get easier...

Posted Jul 12 2009 11:30pm

"is thinking that i might have found someone that i could enjoy talking to and getting to soooo happy ;)"

not my words. his - about me... until...

I told him - I was positive. *sigh*

"I'm so so so sorry but I think that friends is alll that we can b it just scares me 2 much and I hope that u understand" - was his response.

I mean - of course I understand, and I am in no way upset with him or anything.

Its just hard. an innocent little kiss, a slow dance at the end of the night, and his big arms wrapped around me - well... felt so good. The words we spoke, the childish looks we gave each other - I would have loved to have gotten to know him better, I would have enjoyed talking to him and spending time with him - I mean gosh I hope we will but that hope - that sense of maybe... something... every time I get that feeling (which seems to be less and less these days bc of this wall that is building) I - well... *sigh*

He's a school bus driver, he loves kids - I love kids - I told him last night I’d love to be a daddy one day, that I think I'd make a great dad. He told me that he hasn’t been in a relationship for 3 years and he's wants to find 'it' - the one. I told him part of me not flying anymore was because - well I wanted to settle down. The hug, it - it, gave me shivers - and in such a good way, it was strong confident. He's gosh like 6 3 or 4 - Tall. He towers over me, but when he insisted on taking me onto the floor for the final dance of the night to sorta slow dance he bent over so I could feel him against me, my face up aside of mine.

Nearly 6 years now that I have known. Many days have gotten easier - the day to day seems to just zip past me, until times like today. Then to make it even worse sorta, but not intentionally, my ex - who he knows I love very much - and is in one of them LTR and getting married next year to an awesome guy- yay them, says "and of course it goes without saying, at least one guy out there will always love ya" - I've made some really dumb - no stupid mistakes that make me wonder what my life would be like today if I hadn’t.... I guess I only have the future to look forward to, but I sure do wish I had someone to feel like I did last night - like I had a childish crush where I wasn't suppose to let mom find out or the peck on the lips, the strong confident arms and the look - the eyes, it felt... different. what if I wasn’t positive - could it have become more than a look - or a crush.

*sigh* as Queen said - "another one bites the dust". BUT WAIT.

What about him. I should really think about how this affected him. yeah it sucks for me, hell I guess I almost expect it, but... what could he be thinking about - shit, he told me - its scary. Do I blame him? hell no not at all. I feel shitty for even, well putting him in that position. I should have just avoided him last night knowing that I'd have to tell him - would have been easier on both of us and well, I would not be here sitting dumping my thoughts out about him. - well I'm sorry my towering man for having to make you even think about it. One moment of passion of intimacy of irresponsibility not only changed my life but it changed the lives of so many people around me - tonight, it affected just one more - wish it didn’t.

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