10 YEARS

01/20/2010

10 years ago, I lost someone I love – I mean really love. As I look back I realize how much my life has changed.

For those who know me real – real well. You know I travel with a teddy bear. I call her Leslie, after her original owner Leslie DeGarmo. I last saw Leslie in December of 1999. I can still close my eyes and see her leaning up against the wall Christmas Day. It would be the last day I was to see her alive. Just weeks before, we were driving on our way to the mall, and well… I said to her, “you know If I knew you’d say yes, I’d ask you to marry me”. I remember it clear as day because even though there was a joking undertone, there was a lot of truth to it.

I fell completely in love with her. She was my best friend, I’ve never used the word love as strongly as I do when I refer to her. Her smile, laugh – the things she use to say and the way she use to say it. I can still hear her voice, I see her eyes, I feel her around me. Every time I go to her grave, I feel the wind against my back as if she’s pushing me to leave and telling me to live my life, but I touch her stone, trace out her name with my fingers and close my eyes to see her, to hear her and wish she was still here.

So, today, I’ll take Leslie with me to work, I’ll buckle her up so she’s safe in the car and spend another day wondering the what if’s but realizing that my little Angel is never far from my thoughts, always on my mind and forever in my heart.

Leslie, today I miss you more than ever – it’s been 10 years and many things have happened in my life, but just know, you’ll always be my first love, I can never forget the moments we’ve shared – I am often lost without you, I love you so much, and miss you so much. I think about your accident, I think about the pain you must have had, I truly do not understand why you had to go through it, just know you will always be loved, you’ll always be missed and you’ll always be with me.